When Recovery Hurts More Than Addiction

Episode Transcript

Nobody told me recovery might hurt worse than addiction. At least in the beginning. People said things like, God has a plan and it’s gonna get better. But at 3 in the morning, when my mind was racing and my body was freaking out, it didn’t feel like it was getting better. It felt like my whole life was coming apart.

Today I want to talk to you about why recovery almost broke me before it saved me and what God did in the middle of that pain. If you’re in that place where you’re wondering if this is all even worth it, then this video is for you.

When the Numbing Stops But the Pain Doesn’t

When I first stepped into a program, the numbing stopped, but the pain didn’t. See, my meth addiction had been the way to shut off the noise. When that was gone, every memory, every fear, every insecurity, they all came rushing back at once. I remember nights when I couldn’t sleep, I’d wake up having these drug dreams. My body hurt, my thoughts were all over the place. Honestly, there were some moments where I dreamed that I had used and I woke up mad at myself, mad at everybody else. And to be honest, I was a little angry at God for the position that I was in.

And the enemy loves to show up right there. He whispers things like, see, this is too hard, or you were better off before, or God is not helping you. That first stage almost broke me because I thought the fact that I was experiencing pain meant that I was failing in my recovery. I didn’t realize at the beginning that the pain was actually part of the healing.

Losing the Life That Came With Your Addiction

The second stage was the reality that I was going to lose the life that came along with my addiction. I knew the friends that I used to hang out with wouldn’t know what to do with the new me. Some of them would mock, some of them would just up and disappear. My routines would change, my old coping patterns were gone. Even my personality felt off because so much of the life that I was living had been wrapped around that lifestyle of addiction.

And if you come from a codependent background, you feel this even more. You’re used to being the fixer, the clown, you know, the one that holds it all together. When you finally step back to get healthy, it can feel like you’re abandoning people. I felt lonely. And for a little bit, I even grieved the old life, even though it was destroying me. And that tension living in that, man, it almost broke me as well.

When God Goes Deeper Than Your Behavior

Then God started going deeper if that wasn’t enough. At first I thought going to rehab was just going to be about stopping the old behavior. You know, let me just stay clean, let me do the program, follow the rules. But I found out that the Holy Spirit loves you way too much to just stop at your behaviors. Because then he started touching the deeper stuff. You know, the shame that you carry, the lies that you believe, the unforgiveness that’s settling down on your heart.

I remember reading verses like Galatians 2.20. I’ve been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. Those were powerful words. But letting God crucify the old me, man, it actually hurt. He started to put his finger on pride, the self-pity, the victim mindset, the way I tried to control everything. And what he showed me was that my addiction was really a symptom of a deeper broken identity. And the inner surgery, it felt like it would break me.

What I didn’t see until much later on is that God was in the process of killing the things that were actually killing me.

The Moment Everything Shifted: From Punishment to Rescue

And in the middle of that program, the Holy Spirit met me in a different way. I remember the day that I stopped seeing this recovery journey as punishment, the fact that I was in a program and I started to see it as God’s rescue plan. There was a moment during the program that I realized I’m not doing this alone. Jesus is literally in this with me.

Now I can’t tell you for sure which chapel service had happened or which room that I was in reading my Bible with tears running down my face that this change happened. Honestly, it might have even been with one of the other fellow students in the program that had been a little further down this road than me and were simply able to say, I’ve been where you’ve been. God is faithful.

I started to see that every painful layer that he peeled back had a purpose. He wasn’t trying to break me. He was breaking the chains off of my life that had me bound.

Three Truths That Kept Me From Quitting

If you’re in that place right now, I just want to share with you three simple truths that kept me from quitting.

Truth number one is that pain is not proof that God has left. Often it’s proof that he’s working. See, a surgeon doesn’t decide to cut you because he hates you. He cuts you because he wants you to live. He needs to go in and do the surgery and get rid of the thing that’s destroying you.

Truth number two is that you’re not saved by your progress. You’re saved by your relationship with Jesus. Your progress is real and it matters. But your progress rests on what was already finished on the cross. On the days that you stumble, that doesn’t mean that God dropped you.

And number three, recovery is bigger than you. It’s about your family, about your current children, or maybe your future children, the people that you’ll one day encourage. See, the enemy didn’t just want your life, he wanted your legacy. When you stay in the process, you’re fighting for more than your own comfort. You’re fighting for generations that are going to come after you.

So if you’re watching this today and you feel worn out by the process, I want you to hear me. Recovery might feel like it’s breaking you, but God is using it to save you. He’s not against you, he’s for you. He’s rebuilding in your life what addiction tried to destroy.

You don’t have to have it all together to come to him. You just have to be honest. And if you’ve never really surrendered your life to Jesus, you can do that right now, right on the other side of this video screen. And it’s just simple. Jesus, I can’t do this. I believe you died for me and you rose again. I give you my life. Heal me, lead me, save me.

And if you’re already a Christian, but you’re just tired, just ask him for fresh strength. The same spirit that raised Jesus Christ from the dead lives inside of you. He won’t abandon you in the middle of this process.

Hey, listen, if this helped you at all, I just want to encourage you not to walk this journey alone. Hit the subscribe button so you can stay connected for more stories and teaching on recovery in faith. And if you’re ready, I want you to watch this story where a friend and I sat down and talked about how he rebuilt his life after addiction. I believe it’ll encourage you for the season you’re in now.