How to Overcome Offenses

People hurting us is a part of life. The question is: how are we going to respond?

When it comes to offense, we can begin to deal with it by asking ourselves an important question: When are we most like Christ?

Is it when we read our Bibles? When we pray? Is it when God uses us to do powerful miracles in His name?

The truth about this question may shock you. But to get to the answer, we must first answer another question: Why did the Jews want to kill Jesus?

When We Look Most Like God

In Luke 5, some people lowered a paralyzed man through the roof down into the house where Jesus was. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, "Your sins are forgiven." (Luke 5:20)

Now watch how the religious leaders respond:

They wanted to kill Jesus because He said He was God by claiming He could forgive someone's sins.

They didn't accuse Him of being like God when He healed sick people, or when He prayed, or when He fasted. But when He forgave somebody, they said He was acting just like God.

What does that mean for us?

We could say that we are more like God when we forgive someone for offending us than at any other time in our lives. To forgive is to be like God.

Now, that sounds great. But the real question for us real people who are dealing with real issues is… how?

How do I forgive someone and keep offense to a minimum when I've been genuinely hurt? When someone I trusted lied to me? When my family doesn't understand what I'm going through in recovery? When the people at church look at me differently because of my past?

There are actually two major concepts that help us do exactly that. Let's explore them both together.

Expect the Offense

The hardest part about dealing with an offense is that we assume it should have never happened in the first place. We feel as though we have a right to be hurt because the person we love let us down so deeply. When our loved one promises us they will change, but change doesn't happen, we respond as though the person should have never broken their promise. When our boss embarrasses us in front of our coworkers, we feel that they were wrong and should not have done that to us.

This sense of "you-should-not-have-done-that-to-me" is at the root of offense. We expect not to be offended. But that is not what Jesus said. In fact, He said the exact opposite. Jesus told His disciples that "offenses will certainly come." So what are the implications of that?

Simply put, expect the unexpected. Know that people aren't perfect and somebody is going to let you down.

Not that we go around looking for people to offend us. But neither do we act surprised when they do. People are people. And just like us, they make mistakes. That means that no matter how much we try to avoid being hurt, "offenses will certainly come."

Here's the thing about early recovery that nobody warns you about: the offense doesn't stop just because you got sober. Sometimes it gets worse. Your family is still processing the damage you caused. Your friends don't know how to talk to you anymore. The church people smile but keep their distance. You're trying to rebuild broken relationships while simultaneously dealing with people who haven't forgiven you yet.

And that's hard. Because you want to believe that if you just do everything right, people will come around. But Jesus didn't promise that. He promised the opposite. Offenses will come. Count on it.

See the Bigger Picture

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." (Genesis 50:20)

Now that's big-picture thinking. Here is Joseph. His brothers sold him as a slave. His master's wife lied about him and accused him of raping her. He was thrown into prison. Forgotten about. Then God raised him to the highest position in the land, second only to Pharaoh. The same brothers who sold him as a slave came to him for food during a famine, and that's when he said they intended to harm him but "God intended it all for the good."

It's easy to lose focus and see only the hurts that people cause us. But could it be that God is preparing us for a bigger season in our lives? If we get bitter and allow offense to grip our hearts, we will stay stuck at a low level—right there in our offense.

But if we allow the hurts that other people bring into our lives to shape us and make us better, then we set ourselves up for God's promotion. When we see the bigger picture—that God is arranging things in our environment for our good—then we can learn to let the offense go and to forgive like Jesus does.

Think about it this way: the offense you're carrying right now might be the very thing God wants to use in someone else's life five years from now. But you can't minister out of a wound that's still open. You can't help someone overcome their broken past if you're still bleeding from yours.

This is part of what I call the Ring phase of restoration—learning to exercise spiritual authority even when you don't feel powerful. Forgiveness is authority. It's you declaring that this person's actions don't get to define your future. It's you choosing freedom over bondage. It's you operating as a son, not a slave.

What Forgiveness Actually Costs

Let me be clear about something: forgiveness is not pretending it didn't hurt. It's not saying, "It's okay." It's not reconciling with someone who's still actively harming you. Forgiveness is releasing your right to revenge. It's handing the situation over to God and saying, "I'm not carrying this anymore."

Sometimes forgiveness means walking away from a toxic relationship. Sometimes it means setting a boundary. Sometimes it means saying, "I forgive you, but I can't have you in my life right now."

That's not unforgiving. That's wisdom.

But here's where it gets tricky for those of us in recovery: we've hurt a lot of people. And now we're on the receiving end of offense because people haven't forgiven us yet. So how do we navigate that?

We do what Joseph did. We acknowledge the harm. We don't minimize it. We don't make excuses. But we also refuse to let unforgiveness from others keep us in bondage. We can't control whether they forgive us. We can only control whether we forgive them for not forgiving us.

I know that sounds twisted. But that's the reality of rebuilding life after addiction. You're simultaneously the offender who needs forgiveness and the offended who needs to forgive. And the only way through is to extend the same grace you're asking for.

Make the Choice

Dealing with offense isn't easy. But it's important to make sure that we don't allow it into our hearts. Bitterness can destroy us if we let it. But instead of getting bitter, we can get better.

The way to deal with offense is to first of all expect it. Jesus said it would happen. So know that it will.

And when it does, try to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. What is God doing in me through this offense? What is He trying to change in me before He can take me to the next level?

Remember, offense is inevitable. But being offended is a choice.

Make the choice to forgive.