The Secret Pain of the "Good" Christian

The Secret Pain of the “Good” Christian

Guest: We have to understand that just because our life doesn't look like the addict doesn't mean that we're not the addict.

Guest: You have got to learn as a leader to not only be able to operate when there's fire burning. Because then what ends up happening

Addiction, Identity, And Leadership

Guest: is you start looking for fires, right? And can unintentionally set those fires. Then you're no longer a leader, you're just simply an artist.

Guest: Are you the one that looks down upon others because your stuff don't stink, right? It's so off-putting because when you are the older child, you do everything in your power to not be the brother that left. So you're creating an image for yourself that was never intended to be there in the first place.

Justin: Yeah.

Guest: So you're trying to hold on to an identity that wasn't yours. Just be you. Be the son, be the daughter.

Guest: Man, the prodigal son, I think that's been a recurring theme. I've done a few reels on that this week. You know, it's it's interesting, man, because like I've always read that story and thought of myself as the prodigal.

Guest: Wow.

Guest: Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, and I and that's the grace and the mercy of the Lord. That's our story coming home and whatnot. But like in recent years, like I'm thinking about the older brother a lot more and the application of that whole story to recovery families.

Guest: Yeah.

Guest: And being the one that slips into bitterness. Yeah. And slips into frustration. And um, yeah, man. So that's kind of what I had in my mind at the moment. I think we've that's awesome. Yeah.

Guest: Dude, it's it's it's amazing that you bring that up, right? Because, you know, even looking at the text itself in Luke chapter 15, we see that Jesus is addressing whom? The Pharisees. Yeah. Because of their issue with him whining

Prodigal Story Reframed For Recovery

Guest: and dining with the sinners, the tax collectors, the prostitutes. So they didn't like him telling stories either. No. But it's so funny, right? Because Jesus is He's so smart in the fact that he doesn't just hit you in the throat. Right. He hits you with a story, a parable. Like I I could only imagine during that time, like you're trying to get to your point, and the person responds with, Hey, let me tell you a story. Sit down. Sit down, young Jedi. I'm gonna, I'm gonna teach you a lesson right now. And I think that's the thing that he wanted to do. He wanted to teach them something because they had an understanding of scripture that was wrong.

Justin: Yeah.

Guest: And that's what Christ comes to do, right? He comes to transform our minds, he comes to renew our way of thinking about the reality in which we're living in.

Guest: Well, there's also that struggle for them because they're still living under this old covenant, right? And and they didn't, they weren't professing Jesus, they were rejecting Jesus as the one that was gonna fulfill the new covenant and whatnot. And so, so they're still they're still operating, even though he's correcting them under the correct religious mindset in their own thinking. Right. You know, they their thinking hadn't been changed yet, and they ultimately rejected them. Yeah, I was thinking a lot about because I've been on both sides of this. Like when you look at when you look at the story of the prodigal, especially in terms of families in recovery, you know, you've got the addict that's out running and gunning, right? That's that's the son, and hopefully you've got the father who is the parent

Pharisees, Parables, And Transactional Faith

Guest: who is holding the home down. And I always used to preach that when I talk to families, you know, it's like your job isn't to chase, your job isn't to enable, it isn't always to pursue either. It is to keep your spiritual home in order so that the son has a safe place to come back to. Wow. He held the home down.

Guest: What's amazing about that is it the text doesn't say this, but it's almost as if the father had already anticipated his son's return.

Justin: Yeah.

Guest: He was already living his life in knowing almost as what Solomon says, where train up a child in the way that it should go, it will never depart from it, right? And so what we speaking to the parents, right? Because you were just bringing up this point in regard to how parents are holding on the fort, but I often in the recovery world see the parents as the older son.

Justin: Yeah.

Guest: And this is how is because we often have this idea in our minds that I've done everything that I was supposed to do. Right. I've raised my son, I've prayed, I've sought the father's face, I took them to church every single Sunday. Then you have the family that does attend the church, that doesn't have their kids, quote unquote, living a life that is godly, if you will, but then it seems as if their life is just prosperous in every manner and every area just seems perfect because of the social media world that we live in. And then we curse God and say, God, why are you doing this to me? Why did you let my son go astray? Why did you let my daughter go astray? Yeah, that's good. And that hurts. Like, you know, you you spoke to how you always viewed yourself as the prodigal, and now you can kind of see yourself as the one that's the older son, and I can relate here as well because I feel at times, man, the life that I've lived and the things that I've done, I often will look at other people's lives and think, man, like, why am I not where they're at?

Justin: Right.

Guest: I I thought that if I serve the Lord faithfully, that I get all these blessings. And this was a false gospel that I chose to believe at a young age in my faith. Yeah, but until I matured and I realized that this is nothing that I have, I I can't earn it, right? Like it's not my works, it's not me keeping a law per se that's going to get me somewhere, but it's learning how to submit to the the will of the Father and and trust and believing in his grace, you know what I mean? And yeah.

Guest: Yeah, that's the part where I was, you know, I'd I'd posted and somebody somebody had said something about the way I phrased he hadn't even rehearsed a good apology in the reel that I made the other day. Because

Holding The Home Down In Hope

Guest: the prodigal did rehearse a apology, right? Right. But in context, it wasn't really a good apology. And what do I mean by that? Yeah, he said the right things, but to go back to what you just said, his apology was still very transactional in nature. Father, I've sinned against heaven, I've sinned against you. Let me come home and do the work, let me serve in the home, yeah, just like everybody else. You know, I I I apologize, I ask for your forgiveness. Here's what I'll do to show you that I deserve that forgiveness. And so it really wasn't a great apology. Right. It was still in that transactional thinking, and going back to what you said earlier about the uh you know Jesus speaking this parable to the Pharisees, right? Like he's telling the story in that mariner, showing the transactional nature of the Pharisees of the Pharisees through that apology in and of itself. Right. And then the father responds and says, No, I I don't need you to do any of that. Right. Like, let's just have a party. Right. Right? Like you didn't deserve this, you don't earn this. Like, this is just yours because of my relationship and my love for you.

Guest: Yeah. And it it makes me think to myself, man, like how blinded we are at the reality of the bitterness, but not just the bitterness, the hate and anger that we deal with in our heart that no one else sees. Yeah. What God knows about, right? And I I think this is something that's unspoken because what always troubled me with people is this idea that we're gonna label this sin, this sin, and this sin, that sin. It's like, man, but like when you have anger in your heart and God equates that to murder, that's pretty dangerous, bro. And that can be hidden and disguised very easily, right? And we can portray this image to others to make it seem as if we have everything under control, everything's perfect. That's what the Pharisees did, right? They were whitewashed tombs. Yeah, on the outside, everything appeared to be great, but internally, right, what were they? You know, and so I I think the thing is that these moments of the return of a son or daughter are what truly exposed the nature of our heart.

Guest: Knowing that dad was probably very consumed in thinking about his son that was lost. And forgetting the one that was there. Yeah. And and not that that made him a bad father,

Parents As Older Sons

Guest: like because the father is honestly the the right one in the story, right? But just what the other son had to deal with, like going through some of that stuff mentally, you know, kind of working through that, like, and then when the party, it's like that that's seems to be when the fuse exploded.

Guest: Right. But the thing is, is that instantly he should well, instinctly he should have celebrated, regardless of where he was at that present time, whether he was called and alerted to say, Come, your brother has come home. But for him, he was holding on to bitterness, I believe, from the time that his father split up the inheritance, yeah, and his brother left. Yeah, I would have been too. I don't blame him. Right, because he's like, wait, hold on. Right, like I'm still out, like I didn't because what was his first uh uh response to his dad? I'm the one that has kept all of your commands and didn't squander all my money on prostitutes. Yeah. So he had been thinking about this, yeah, right? You don't just bring this up, he had been wrestling with this. Absolutely. Yeah, there was a internal, you know, battle that he's been going through. And I think sometimes we think that we've released something to God, but the reality is that there's moments in our life that things arise that actually call or expose the areas of our life, right? And that's what the father does. Yeah, what does he do? He he exposes the dark areas of our life. It was in the presence of the Father, right? Yeah, that this dark area was exposed.

Guest: Well, it takes some maturity too to be able to be in those situations. And I thought about this a lot, and and all the years working in rehab, like working at Teen Challenge, whatever, like doing that work, like why am I celebrating you right now? You're doing what you're supposed to be doing, right? And and a lot of people, I think that's why a lot of people struggle to work with addicts. You know, my wife, she won't mind me saying this. She was very much like that when she first got into this ministry. It was like, it was like, no, I'm I'm not throwing a party for you, you're just doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Justin: Yeah.

Guest: Like, why are we celebrating this? And then it started to realize that hey, we're we're 10 years behind with these folks. Yeah. Like, you know, they're wherever they started using things froze. Yeah. And so we're most of the time celebrating teenagers who are 26. Right. Yeah, when you take that story and and and obviously being faithful to the text, but then just let's just extrapolate that scenario out and put it in any Christian home in America. And then

Bitterness, Hidden Anger, And Image

Guest: think about the emotional dynamics that would be a play. Yeah. And we don't we don't have to imagine that. Yeah. Right. Because we we have we have millions of examples of this type of stuff happening. And, you know, it is it is tough. And I um I was really like, man, like, like thinking about, I was joking with somebody the other day about all the secondary trauma that I've been through. But then thinking about like all the career choices that I've made and the situations that I've been in, and then like the stuff in my home and my family, not just my house, but my extended family. Right. You know, we we take care of our niece. We I've got several siblings that are addicts that have been addicts, you know what I'm saying? And walking through all that and just thinking through, like, I don't like I know we see the jealous and the angry side of the son for the party and all that, but like there was probably some hurt in there too, man. Yeah. Like some unresolved stuff that he was dealing with, like just yeah, the pain.

Guest: Well you know, I I I want to kind of segue here and and just like bring notice to this when it comes to the older son and parents in particular. I think sometimes we're praying for the return of the one that was lost for them to receive the grace, but we fail to realize that the same grace is needed for the one that's still in the presence of you. Yeah. And I think we don't cover them in the same manner as we cover the one that's been gone and lost and went afar, right? And I think that was a struggle with the father. It's like he he was probably covering his son and still happy that his son was still home. Yeah. But he didn't see that love the same way when his brother returned. He's like, wait, hold on, like I don't understand.

Guest: Like well, we do the same thing now, don't won't we like we don't eulogize people till they're gone. Right. Like we don't we don't appreciate what we have, right? And that that tends to be something like you know, eulogy is supposed to be speaking good and speaking life or something. I don't remember the actual definition of it, but like, man, imagine imagine those words of encouragement in people's lives, you know, while they're here, while they're doing the work. Like, because there is that balance of like, I don't I don't need to celebrate you for sweeping the floor when you know you're supposed to sweep the floor, but also like we all do need encouragement, right? You know, right yeah, it's really good.

Guest: Dude, that's awesome, man. I I think it's amazing, right? So I I think if we can look at some practical takeaways from this, like what would you say is important for those that have loved ones that are going through um any form of addiction and maybe have gone afar off and they have kids at home that are witnessing this, like how how would you how would how can a parent better prepare for something like this?

Guest: We are truthful about it in our home. But that's right. Go back to the point I made a few minutes ago. You you gotta start with your own house in order first. Yeah, your personal walk with God. Like you're you're ready, right? And so then when stuff comes your way, whether it's a son

Celebrating Growth Without Enabling

Guest: returning home, whether it's another son being angry, right? You know, whether it's a mess in the case, whatever, right? You're doing it from a place of strength and rest and peace in the Lord first, you know. So let me ask you a question though. Like, what do I do if I'm the older brother? And I'm just pissed off.

Guest: Yeah.

Guest: Like I'm just angry. Like I'm just in this position. We talked, we had a conversation on offense and bitterness. I thought that was a great discussion that you and I had, but like, man, I'm tired of watching, you know what I'm saying? I'm tired of cleaning up the messes.

Guest: Yeah.

Guest: Like I'm tired of being, like, I think that's something um, man, if I could just be vulnerable, because it's something I've dealt with, like, right? Like, I um one of the areas that I know God has given me, giving me this gift. Ashley used to say that I was anointed to deal with angry people. And the other thing that her and I can do pretty well together is we can step into stressful situations. We've done it in several ministries now, right? And we're the cleanup crew. And you know what I'm saying? We've done it in several places, and then we do it in our our personal ministry. Like we step into the crisis with foster care, we step into the crisis with addicts, and I think it gets to a point where sometimes it's just like man, I'm just tired of cleaning up other people's messes.

Guest: And my response to that, and probably people wouldn't like this, but the more that you're outwardly focused on what other people's messes are, the more you ignore the mess that you have yourself and the need of God's grace the same way that they need it. And so often at times it's not about what's going on outside. It's these are opportunities for you to administer the love of Christ as it has been shared unto you, right? That's why he told his disciples, for it has been freely given, so freely give. Yeah, that's it. This is a gift. You can't earn it, you don't deserve it, nor do they, right? So this is a grace, right? And so the thing is that we have to understand what Ephesians tells us. It says we have been saved by grace through faith, that no man shall boast. And I think the thing is, is that the reason why we walk in this bitterness and have this idea of cleaning up these messes is because we are self-righteous.

Guest: Yeah, that's good.

Guest: We're the we're the Pharisee. Yeah, we're self-righteous, and we think that we deserve this because we've done this, and it's like, no, you don't deserve anything. Yeah. Right. And so the thing is that we have to understand that just because our life doesn't look like the addict doesn't mean that we're not the addict. We're not just filthy on the inside, yeah. That's right, dude.

Covering Both Children With Grace

Guest: And so I think it's just important, man, just to understand that like we're all broken, right? And we need help, and this is what rebuilding life is all about. Yeah, we're rebuilding our life, like we were sinners. But while we were yet sinners, he came and he died for us. You know what I'm saying? And so it's like, man, it doesn't like I'm building from the foundation up.

Guest: And so, like it's an open-ended project. It is, it never stops.

Guest: No, dude, like you're always wanting to remodel and just fix things, and things can be crooked, and it's like, man, like I'm about to remodel a house. Right. Great bones, great foundation, but the inside looks like crap. It's a pink kitchen. Who wants a pink kitchen? No offense to these other people that had this home before, but still, like um, my my point is though, is that if you're listening to this right now, I want you to ask yourself are you the Pharisee? Are you the one that looks down upon others because your stuff don't sting, right? But the reality is, is that whoever smelt it dealt it, right? No, but no, like honestly, like your stuff stinks. It's like a person that can't smell their own breath, right? There's been times where I can't smell my breath, and my wife lovingly says, Babe, go brush your teeth before you come up and kiss me, right? Like I because you're accustomed to it. Like it's just it's second nature to you. And so, like, I think the thing is that sometimes we're blinded by our own sin. Yeah, and it we need others in our midst to kind of expose those areas.

Guest: When as you were talking through that, like, I think also one of the areas that God's been teaching me, especially the last like year, like I am the one who cleans up a lot of messes, but like I wasn't asked to clean up every mess. And there is, there is that. There is a self-righteousness to a degree, there is a um a satisfaction that comes, you know, like that fulfillment that comes and being the savior, right? And like it's good to be a helper, it's good to point people to Jesus, but when we start to step in and be savior, then we're not doing the job God called us to do. Right. And I think that's something a lot of families struggle with, right? And that's probably why a lot of times the older son feels like um overlooked because the parents are trying to be savior for the younger son, you know what I'm saying? And so there's a lot of that stuff that happens. And I um I had a I had somebody tell me this a long time ago when it came to leadership because I said that statement. I said, you know, I'm really good at putting fires out. And they said, but you

Savior Complex And Burnout

Guest: have got to learn as a leader to not only be able to operate when there's fire burning, because then what ends up happening is you start looking for fires and can unintentionally set those fires. Wow. Then you're no longer a leader, you're just simply an arsonist, and you're burning things you know, and that's one of the things that like I realized like like I'm the poor will always be with you, there'll always be people to help. Yeah, there's always going to be a harvest. There are always going to be people that need to be loved. And like, yes, I do understand there are divine moments, and there are moments where we have these Ezekiel type callings. Like, if you don't do it, the blood will be on your hands. Those things can happen. But for the most part, you aren't the only savior for people. And I think those of us who have been conditioned and trained and called to help people, like a lot of that starts with having a right view of where we are with our relationship with God. Right. And how much we're actually able to do. Because there's diminishing returns in our energy, right?

Guest: Well, I think too, man. And did I just say anything there at all?

Guest: Or was that just random? No, no. You said a lot.

Guest: I I have that thinking in my mind as well sometimes. But I think it always goes back. This is this has always been something for me, is understanding that you're a son and you're a daughter. Yeah. There's a young man that I'm mentoring right now, and it's been a privilege to be able to mentor him. And what's amazing is I'm realizing as I learn more about his story and the situation that he's in, he just wanted to be validated as a son. Yeah. He wanted just to be him. And I think the thing is that it's so off-putting because when you are the older child, you do everything in your power to not be the brother that left. So you're creating an image for yourself that was never intended to be there in the first place. Yeah. So you're trying to hold on to an identity that wasn't yours. Yeah. And so it's like, man, that's not who you're supposed to be. Yeah. Just be

From Firefighter To Arsonist

Guest: you. Be the son. Be the daughter. Be loved. Be received. But yeah, man, that's good. This is a good conversation. It's a good topic. We'd love to hear more from you guys as to what you thought about today's episode. A lot of times we focus on the younger son, but as we saw here today, that the older son is often who we truly are. There is healing in receiving the father's love, but understanding too that God's grace doesn't just go to them, it also is extended onto us. And so let us continue to strive to be better followers of Christ. If you have any uh comments, please leave them below. Drop a like, hit the subscribe button, share this with your friends. We love you. We appreciate the support that you have for this channel. Um, and we look forward to sharing more content with you guys in the future. Uh peace and God bless. God bless.