The Secret Pain of the "Good" Christian

Secret Pain of the Good Christian — Transcript “Just because our life doesn’t look like the addict…” Justin Franich: We have to understand that just because our life doesn’t look like the addict doesn’t mean that we’re not the addict. You have got to learn as a leader to not only be able to operate when there’s fire burning… because then what ends up happening is you start looking for fires, right? And can unintentionally set those fires. Wow… then you’re no longer a leader. You’re just simply an arsonist. Are you the one that looks down upon others because your stuff don’t stink? Right? It’s so off-putting, because when you are the older child, you do everything in your power to not be the brother that left. So you’re creating an image for yourself that was never intended to be there in the first place. So you’re trying to hold on to an identity that wasn’t yours. Just be you. Be the son. Be the daughter. “I’ve always read that story and thought of myself as the prodigal…” Justin Franich: Man… the prodigal son—I think that’s been a recurring theme. I’ve done a few reels on that this week. It’s interesting, man, because I’ve always read that story and thought of myself as the prodigal. Wow. You know what I’m saying? And that’s the grace and mercy of the Lord—that’s our story, coming home and whatnot. But in recent years… I’m thinking about the older brother a lot more. And the application of that whole story to recovery families… being the one that slips into bitterness, slips into frustration… Yeah man, so that’s kind of what I had on my mind at the moment. Robert Grant: That’s awesome. Yeah dude… it’s amazing that you bring that up, right? Even looking at the text itself in Luke 15, we see that Jesus is addressing the Pharisees—because of their issue with Him whining and dining with the sinners: the tax collectors, the prostitutes. So they didn’t like Him telling stories either. No, they were in good— But it’s so funny, right? Because Jesus… He’s so smart in the fact that He doesn’t just hit you in the throat, right? He hits you with a story. A parable. I could only imagine during that time… like you’re trying to get to your point, and the person responds with, “Hey, let me tell you a story… sit down. Sit down, young Jedi… I’m going to teach you a lesson right now.” And I think that’s what He wanted to do. He wanted to teach them something, because they had an understanding of Scripture that was wrong. And that’s what Christ comes to do, right? He comes to transform our minds. He comes to renew our way of thinking about the reality in which we’re living in. Well, there’s also that struggle for them because they’re still living under this old covenant, right? And they weren’t professing Jesus. They were rejecting Jesus as the One that was going to fulfill the new covenant and whatnot. So they’re still operating—even though He’s correcting them—under the correct religious mindset in their own thinking, right? You know, their thinking hadn’t been changed yet, and they ultimately rejected Him. “Parents are holding down the fort… but I often see parents as the older son” Justin Franich: Yeah… I was thinking a lot about this, because I’ve been on both sides of it. When you look at the story of the prodigal—especially in terms of families in recovery—you’ve got the addict that’s out running and gunning, right? That’s the son. And hopefully you’ve got the father… who is the parent who is holding the home down. And I always used to preach that when I talk to families. It’s like: your job isn’t to chase. Your job isn’t to enable. It isn’t always to pursue either. It is to keep your spiritual home in order so that the son has a safe place to come back to. Wow. He held the home down. What’s amazing about that is—the text doesn’t say this—but it’s almost as if the father had already anticipated his son’s return. Yeah. He was already living his life in knowing… almost as what Solomon says: “Train up a child in the way that it should go, and it will never depart from it,” right? Robert Grant: And so what we’re speaking to the parents, right… because you were just bringing up this point in regard to how parents are holding down the fort… But I often, in the recovery world, see the parents as the older son. And this is how: because we often have this idea in our minds that, “I’ve done everything that I was supposed to do, right? I’ve raised my son. I’ve prayed. I’ve sought the Father’s face. I took them to church every single Sunday…” Then you have the family that does attend the church that doesn’t have their kids, quote-unquote, living a life that is godly, if you will… but then it seems as if their life is just prosperous in every manner, in every area. Seems perfect. And then we curse God and say, “God, why are You doing this to me? Why did You let my son go astray? Why did You let my daughter go astray?” Justin Franich: Yeah, that’s good. And that hurts. “I thought if I served the Lord faithfully, I get all these blessings…” Robert Grant: You spoke to how you always viewed yourself as the prodigal, and now you can kind of see yourself as the older son… and I can relate here as well. Because I feel at times, man… the life that I’ve lived, and the things that I’ve done… I often will look at other people’s lives and think, “Man… why am I not where they’re at?” I thought that if I serve the Lord faithfully, that I get all these blessings. And this was a false gospel that I chose to believe at a young age in my faith. But until I matured and I realized that this is nothing that I have… I can’t earn it, right? It’s not my works. It’s not me keeping a law, per se, that’s going to get me somewhere… but it’s learning how to submit to the will of the Father, and trust, and believing in His grace. You know what I mean? Justin Franich: Yeah. “His apology was still transactional…” Justin Franich: That’s the part where I was… you know, I posted, and somebody had said something about the way I phrased, “He hadn’t even rehearsed a good apology” in the reel that I made the other day—because the prodigal did rehearse an apology, right? Robert Grant: Right. Justin Franich: But in context, it wasn’t really a good apology. What do I mean by that? He said the right things, but going back to what you just said… his apology was still very transactional in nature. “Father, I’ve sinned against heaven, I’ve sinned against you… let me come home and do the work. Let me serve in the home.” Yeah. Just like everybody else. You know: “I apologize. I ask for your forgiveness. Here’s what I’ll do to show you that I deserve that forgiveness.” And so it really wasn’t a great apology. It was still in that transactional thinking. And going back to what you said earlier about Jesus speaking this parable to the Pharisees… He’s telling the story in that manner, showing the transactional nature of the Pharisees through that apology in and of itself. And then the father responds and says, “No. I don’t need you to do any of that.” Right? Like, “Let’s just have a party.” You didn’t deserve this. You don’t earn this. It’s like… this is just yours because of my relationship and my love for you. “Hidden anger is dangerous too” Robert Grant: And it makes me think to myself, man… how blinded we are at the reality of the bitterness… but not just the bitterness—the hate and anger that we deal with in our heart that no one else sees, but God knows about, right? And I think this is something that’s unspoken, because what always troubled me with people is this idea that we’re going to label this sin, this sin, and this sin… It’s like, man… when you have anger in your heart and God equates that to murder, that’s pretty dangerous, bro. And that can be hidden and disguised very easily. And we can portray this image to others to make it seem as if we have everything under control, everything’s perfect. That’s what the Pharisees did, right? They were whitewashed tombs. On the outside everything appeared to be great, but internally… right? What were they? Justin Franich: Yeah. “He had been wrestling with this…” Robert Grant: So I think the thing is… these moments of the return of a son or a daughter are what truly expose the nature of our heart. Knowing that dad was probably very consumed and thinking about his son that was lost… and forgetting the one that was there. Yeah. Not that that made him a bad father—because the father is honestly the right one in the story, right? But just what the other son had to deal with… going through some of that stuff mentally… working through that… And then when the party happens, it seems to be when the fuse exploded. But the thing is… instinctively he should have celebrated, regardless of where he was at that present time… whether he was called and alerted, “Come, your brother has come home…” But for him, he was holding on to bitterness—I believe—from the time that his father split up the inheritance and his brother left. Justin Franich: Yeah… I would have been too. I don’t blame him. Robert Grant: Right? Because he’s like, “Wait—hold on.” And what was his first response to his dad? “I’m the one that has kept all of your commands and didn’t squander all my money on prostitutes.” So he had been thinking about this, right? You don’t just bring this up. He had been wrestling with this. Justin Franich: Absolutely. “There are moments that expose what’s still in us” Robert Grant: There was this internal battle he’s been going through. And I think sometimes we think we’ve released something to God, but the reality is there are moments in our life that things arise that actually expose the areas of our life. And that’s what the Father does. What does He do? He exposes the dark areas of our life. It was in the presence of the father that this dark area was exposed. “We’re celebrating teenagers who are 26” Justin Franich: Well it takes some maturity too to be able to be in those situations. I’ve thought about this a lot… and all the years working in rehab—working at Teen Challenge, whatever—doing that work… Like, why am I celebrating you right now? You’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, right? And I think a lot of people… that’s why a lot of people struggle to work with addicts. My wife—she won’t mind me saying this—she was very much like that when she first got into this ministry. It was like, “No. I’m not throwing a party for you. You’re just doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Why are we celebrating this?” And then it started to realize… hey, we’re ten years behind with these folks. Wherever they started using, things froze. So we’re most of the time celebrating teenagers who are 26. “Praying for the lost son… but forgetting the one still at home” Robert Grant: I want to kind of segue here and bring notice to this… When it comes to the older son—and parents in particular—I think sometimes we’re praying for the return of the one that was lost for them to receive the grace, but we fail to realize that the same grace is needed for the one that’s still in the presence of you. And I think we don’t cover them in the same manner as we cover the one that’s been gone and lost and went afar. I think that was a struggle with the father. It’s like… he was probably covering his son and still happy that his son was still home… But he didn’t see that love the same way when his brother returned. He’s like, “Wait—hold on. I don’t understand.” Well we do the same thing now, don’t we? We don’t eulogize people till they’re gone. We don’t appreciate what we have. That tends to be something… Like, eulogy is supposed to be speaking good and speaking life over something. I don’t remember the actual definition, but man… imagine those words of encouragement in people’s lives while they’re here, while they’re doing the work. There is that balance: like, I don’t need to celebrate you for sweeping the floor when you know you’re supposed to sweep the floor… But also… we all do need encouragement, right? Justin Franich: Right. “Start with your own house in order” Justin Franich: That’s really good dude. That’s awesome. I think if we can look at some practical takeaways from this… What would you say is important for those that have loved ones that are going through any form of addiction, and maybe have gone far off, and they have kids at home that are witnessing this? How can a parent better prepare for something like this? We are truthful about it in our home, but that’s where I go back to the point I made a few minutes ago: you’ve got to start with your own house in order first. Your personal walk with God. Like… you’re ready, right? So then when stuff comes your way—whether it’s a son returning home, whether it’s another son being angry, whether it’s a mess in the whatever—you’re doing it from a place of strength, and rest, and peace in the Lord first. “What do I do if I’m the older brother and I’m pissed off?” Justin Franich: Let me ask you a question though… What do I do if I’m the older brother and I’m just pissed off? Like I’m just angry. I’m just in this position. We talked… we had a conversation on offense and bitterness. I thought that was a great discussion. But man, I’m tired of watching. I’m tired of cleaning up the messes. I’m tired of being… If I could just be vulnerable… that’s something I’ve dealt with. One of the areas that I know God has given me—Ashley used to say that I was anointed to deal with angry people. And the other thing that her and I can do pretty well together is we can step into stressful situations. We’ve done it in several ministries now. We’re the cleanup crew. We step into the crisis with foster care. We step into the crisis with addicts. I think it gets to a point where sometimes it’s just like… man, I’m just tired of cleaning up other people’s messes. And my response to that—and probably people wouldn’t like this—but the more that you’re outwardly focused on what other people’s messes are, the more you ignore the mess that you have yourself. And the need of God’s grace the same way that they need it. Often at times it’s not about what’s going on outside. These are opportunities for you to administer the love of Christ as it has been shared unto you. That’s why He told His disciples: “For it has been freely given, so freely give.” This is a gift. You can’t earn it. You don’t deserve it, nor do they. So this is a grace. And we have to understand what Ephesians tells us: “We have been saved by grace through faith, that no man shall boast.” I think the thing is… the reason why we walk in this bitterness, and have this idea of cleaning up these messes, is because we are self-righteous. Robert Grant: Yeah, that’s good. Justin Franich: We’re the Pharisee. We’re self-righteous. And we think we deserve this because we’ve done this. And it’s like… no. You don’t deserve anything. So the thing is… we have to understand: just because our life doesn’t look like the addict doesn’t mean that we’re not the addict. We’re not just filthy on the inside. Robert Grant: Yeah. That’s right dude. “Your stuff stinks… you just can’t smell it” Justin Franich: If you’re listening to this right now, I want you to ask yourself: are you the Pharisee? Are you the one that looks down upon others because your stuff don’t stink? But the reality is… whoever smelt it dealt it. Right? No—but honestly—your stuff stinks. It’s like a person that can’t smell their own breath. There’s been times where I can’t smell my breath, and my wife lovingly says, “Babe, go brush your teeth before you come up and kiss me.” Right? Like… because you’re accustomed to it. It’s second nature to you. So I think the thing is… sometimes we’re blinded by our own sin. And we need others in our midst to kind of expose those areas. “I wasn’t asked to clean up every mess” Robert Grant: As you were talking through that… I think also one of the areas that God’s been teaching me—especially the last year—like, I am the one who cleans up a lot of messes… But I wasn’t asked to clean up every mess. There is a self-righteousness to a degree. There is a satisfaction that comes… you know… that fulfillment that comes in being the savior, right? And it’s good to be a helper. It’s good to point people to Jesus. But when we start to step in and be savior, then we’re not doing the job God called us to do. And I think that’s something a lot of families struggle with. That’s probably why a lot of times the older son feels overlooked… because the parents are trying to be savior for the younger son. You know what I’m saying? So there’s a lot of that stuff that happens. I had somebody tell me this a long time ago when it came to leadership… Because I said that statement: “I’m really good at putting fires out.” And they said, “But you have got to learn as a leader to not only be able to operate when there’s fire burning, because then what ends up happening is you start looking for fires, right? And can unintentionally set those fires.” Wow. Then you’re no longer a leader. You’re just simply an arsonist. And you’re burning things. And that’s one of the things that I realized… Like, the poor will always be with you. There’ll always be people to help. There’s always going to be a harvest. There are always going to be people that need to be loved. And yes, I do understand there are divine moments. There are moments where we have these Ezekiel-type callings—like if you don’t do it, the blood will be on your hands—those things can happen. But for the most part… you aren’t the only savior for people. And I think those of us who have been conditioned and trained and called to help people… a lot of that starts with having a right view of where we are with our relationship with God, right? And how much we’re actually able to do… because there’s diminishing returns in our energy, right? Justin Franich: Well I think too man… And did I just say anything there at all, or was that just random? Robert Grant: No, no. You said a lot. I have that thinking in my mind as well sometimes, but I think it always goes back… this has always been something for me: understanding that you’re a son and you’re a daughter. There’s a young man that I’m mentoring right now, and it’s been a privilege to be able to mentor him. What’s amazing is I’m realizing, as I learn more about his story and the situation that he’s in… he just wanted to be validated as a son. He wanted just to be him. And I think the thing is… it’s so off-putting, because when you are the older child, you do everything in your power to not be the brother that left. So you’re creating an image for yourself that was never intended to be there in the first place. So you’re trying to hold on to an identity that wasn’t yours. So it’s like, man… that’s not who you’re supposed to be. Just be you. Be the son. Be the daughter. Be loved. Be received. Closing Justin Franich: Yeah man… that’s good. This is a good conversation. It’s a good topic. We’d love to hear more from you guys as to what you thought about today’s episode. A lot of times we focus on the younger son, but as we saw here today, the older son is often who we truly are. There is healing in receiving the Father’s love, but understanding too that God’s grace doesn’t just go to them—it also is extended unto us. So let us continue to strive to be better followers of Christ. If you have any comments, please leave them below. Drop a like. Hit the subscribe button. Share this with your friends. We love you. We appreciate the support that you have for this channel, and we look forward to sharing more content with you guys in the future. Peace and God bless. Robert Grant: God bless.