From Legalism to Love: Overcoming Addiction, Embracing Grace

I remember the summer that was Rock Bottom for me and I didn't really realize it yet I was on the precipice of a rock bottom I had been like on a week-long binge where I just like didn't talk to anybody my family like anybody who would have made me feel like ashamed but seeing like my family that loved me just like a gut check regardless of what they did or what they said I felt ashamed and that week long I did things I really regretted I did a lot of things I really regretted and when all the Dust settled all I was left with was sadness and a disgust at who I was and ashamed that this is what had come to and just a couple weeks later I found out that I was pregnant woo great I felt like that was the worst news how did your idea of God and the grace and the mercy of Jesus shift once you found out you were pregnant and you realized that there needed to be a change what was that like for you how did your view of God change that allowed you to ultimately get free initially when I found out I was pregnant I had planned to get an abortion in fact I had made an appointment and a friend of mine gave me a piece of paper cuz I told her I was like I think I'm going to get an abortion like I can't do this and I know that a lot of people look at women who would get an abortion and think wow she's like a monster she's a murderer but in reality what I really believed was that no child deserve to be born to somebody like me and I believed that this would be the most merciful thing that I could have done because I was trash and I really believe that so I called I made an appointment and I went in and actually I still remember the address 400 East Houston Street Paris Texas that is the Paris Pregnancy Care Center and there was this little old lady named Betty and she started talking to me about Jesus and I was like oh my god what have I done I said I gotta get out of here well Amber how are you today I'm doing great thanks how are you I'm doing well thanks so much for coming on we've known each other for a while and I know I've heard bits and pieces of your story over the years just from connection and knowing each other and and so I'm excited to get a chance to have you come on and talk a little bit about that but what do you got going on right now how's life going I think it's been busy but I would say the good busy where you're doing a lot of things make you feel happy and productive and so busy but good yeah that's always good yeah I know there are those Seasons right there seasons of hustle there seasons of busyness that you can't catch your breath but I think when it's a good thing and not crisis that's always a plus so well do you want to take a moment as we get going just maybe introduce yourself to the audience give a little context background the podcast is rebuilding life after addiction right so we're here with the goal to help people that are either off of drugs or in that process of trying to overcome addiction and get the pieces of their life put back together and so I guess to very simply ask the question why are you here on an addiction podcast today well my name is Amber picota as you said and I am a former ptor of 10 years I am also a former addict and I have gone from knowing that I had a really huge problem and not even knowing if God loved me to having this encounter with God and having my life completely radically transformed so if Amber from 20 years ago was to be told hey Amber in the future is going to be a pastor and she's going to minister to people and preach the gospel I'd be like there would be actually a lot of beep you'd have to censor it because I'd be like you're out of your mind absolutely out of your mind but now that God has transformed my life one of the things that I do is I try to be the help that I needed whatever that means to whatever person that God puts in my path like I try to be the help for them that I needed back in a time when I didn't have any help yeah W that's so good so can you take us back to that moment in your life before you encountered the Lord maybe at that place where you said you had an encounter with God and you got called to Ministry and all that stuff but on what did life look like at that point what was your mental and emotional State what were you battling with just for a little bit of context on that yeah my background was Holiness Pentecostal and so anybody who knows was that the long skirts and everything yeah okay gotcha yeah there's a lot of rules women are not allowed to wear anything but long skirts no slicks in your skirt no makeup don't catch your hair a lot of rules a lot of religion and there's a lot of really great people who really love the Lord but then there's a lot of like really dead religion with whitewashed tombs and that's mostly what I saw growing up and I ran from all that I had done some things and then when you've done some things you regret and you're hearing a message that doesn't really have any Grace in it's just like hey if you sin you're going to hell you start like internalizing that and you're like well I'm good I'm done it I've blown it and I'm done so right out of high school I was just like in a lot of shame I just decided that to embrace the bad lifestyle all that it entailed I've never been a halfway girl like if I'm going to do something I'm going to be the best at it and that also applied to partying and just using drugs and alcohol and pills and stuff I was all in no matter what I was doing and I really genuinely was trying to feel a void I felt really a lot of Shame and I felt a lot of self-hatred but nobody really would have known that who knew me at the time because I had this whole facade and people probably thought I was the most confident person they knew but I felt like crap and I felt ashamed of myself I felt ashamed of my choices and it was like I call it the shame spiral because you feel ashamed and then to try to run from the shame you use whatever your drug of choice is I had a whole p of them at the time but like so you use and then while you're not in your right mind you do things that you're ashamed of and so you sober up and you're ashamed and then the cycle continues and continues yeah wow yeah that's good so you talk about growing up in the Pentecostal Holiness Church very legalistic a lot of that and that home life what led to drugs did you grow up I'm assuming was your family Christian and they were all engaged in the church and you were searching for identity and that's how you ended up in the party life or did you see it modeled was anybody in your family battling with addiction what influence those choices to go down that road first of all my parents got divorced when I was three so I had like two homes my mom lived in like the Section 8 projects and her history and her family is Baptist but my mom did not attend church she had some very bad experiences and another holiness Pentecostal church when I was a little kid so she didn't did not attend at all but she did profess a relationship with Christ real low-key and then on my dad's side of the family my dad actually didn't get saved until I was 16 years old so he was not in a relationship with Christ but I would go to church my entire childhood because it was just what you did while I was at my dad's house I went to church and so my dad side of the family is Holiness Pentecostal now as far as addiction goes so my parents were good people they I think all kids are going to be able to grow up and look back and be like my parents made some mistakes but overall my parents loved me and they tried their very best to support me the best they knew how but also there was histories of addiction like on both sides of the family and also there's history of addiction but also from Generations that didn't recognize those things as addiction yeah so yeah definitely a lot of history there of addiction and it was just like prevalent and available it was just like it was really easy to just fall in with people who were already using so I think that's what led me down that road it was just like it was just readily available and I was a recipe for disaster because I was hurting so bad but the hurting where you're just stuffing it down and you're not going to recognize it so you're like hey who needs to cry when you could go to a good party like yeah that was my motto is stay busy stay going yeah so you mentioned when we talked before on the interview that you struggle with the your cocaine meth is anx and I'm not one of those I don't like to get real deep into like the War Stories because I think we all have our struggles we all have our mess that we' walked through right and their story after Story but a lot of times in the recovery space they talk about these Rock Bottom moments these moments where almost like the prodal came to the end of himself and I don't like preaching Rock Bottom a lot because like in 20123 Rock Bottom is like death we're we're in a different world than we were when maybe you and I got off drugs years ago back then you could be a lifelong addict 20 30 years today it's like fentol and you're done but what was that moment like for you what ultimately was that pivotal moment for you that decided okay I can't live this way anymore the these drugs are taking the life out of me and ultimately you said you mentioned an encounter with the Lord what was that Turning Point yeah so I had a lot of moments that should have been Rock Bottom it was like anybody with any Common Sense would be like this is the lowest of lows I should do something about this I overdosed and end up in the hospital I don't even remember any of that I just know because of being in the waking up in the hospital and some very horrible encounters like at parties with people overdosing and not wanting to call the police because hey guess what when they get there they're about to see a whole lot of people doing illegal things so there was a lot of things that probably should have been the rock bottom but I remember the summer that was Rock Bottom for me and I didn't really realize it yet I was on the precipice of a rock bottom but the summer that I hit rock bottom I had been like on a weekl long binge where I just like didn't talk to anybody my family like anybody who would have made me feel like ashamed which anything at that point made me feel ashamed I was perpetually ashamed but seeing like my family that loved me just like it was like a gut check regardless of what they did or what they said it I felt ashamed so I was avoiding everybody who actually loved me and had any good will towards me and that week long I did things I really regretted I did a lot of things I really regretted and when all the dust settled all I was left with was sadness and a disgust at who I was and ashamed that this is what it had come to and just a couple weeks later I found out that I was pregnant W great I felt like that was the worst news anybody could like you would have thought somebody my the one person I love the most died the way I felt but I had also been Rel raised in religion where if you could appear like you had it together which I didn't but I fooled myself into thinking that I did then you were good but having a baby meant everybody would know that I didn't have it together in my mind so that was like that was my on a moment finding out that I was pregnant okay and so from there you started to make changes so what changes did you start to implement you talk about coming out of this really and I'm not trying to knock the Pentecostal Holiness Church I'm not beating down on people but this very legalistic religion that is a lot of rules what I'm saying a lot of structure a lot of like almost Works spaced at times it's extreme it's I'm earning my way to Heaven at times in some places I don't know that's where you were at but how that didn't work for you before right the very legalistic didn't keep you free so how did your idea of God and the grace and the mercy of Jesus shift once you found out you were pregnant and you realized that there needed to be a change what was that like for you how did your view of God change that allowed you to ultimately get free yeah well at first I my view of God was very much rigid and that my belief was that God didn't like me God couldn't stand to be in my presence and initially when I found out I was pregnant I had planned to get an abortion in fact I had made an appointment and a friend of mine gave me a piece of paper because I told her I was like I think I'm going to get an abortion like I can't do this and I know that a lot of people look at women who would get an abortion and think wow she's like a monster she's a murderer but in reality what I really believed was that no child deserved to be born to somebody like me like I really believed that I was sparing a child from something that no child should have to be punished by is like having me as a mom and so we can all stand on the outside and judge but you really don't know what the enemy has filled their head with you don't know and I believe that this would be the Merc most merciful thing that I could have done because I was trash and I really believe that so a friend of mine had actually written down a number in a address on a piece of paper and she was like go here and I was like all right I'm gonna go there bet I'm G to get an abortion so I called I made an appointment and I went in and actually I still remember the address 400 East Houston Street Paris Texas that is the Paris Pregnancy Care Center and I went in and there was this little old lady named Betty and she started talking to me about Jesus and I was like oh my god what have I done I said I gotta get out of here they pulled a bait and switch on you I was like dang Betty I really don't know if they pulled the baai and switch or if I made assumptions I really can't tell you back I don't really know or if God was just like let me believe that I really don't know which what it was but I ended up actually volunteering there like way fast forward many years later and it's not uncommon for people to call and think they're making an appointment for an abortion it's not uncommon but anyways so I go in there and Betty's like I'll tell you about Jesus and I was like I'mma tell you about Jesus Betty I already know who Jesus is and if you knew him very well you would know we're not like cool like I'm not his favorite person and I just left and I was like God wasted my time I was so mad and it was like I had I was like I'm still going to get an abortion I just had to figure out how I'm going to do this and I lived in a small town I really didn't know where to go and all this stuff and it was just like I kept running into all these dead ends and So eventually I come to the end of myself where I was like I got to make some really serious decisions here and I guess in my mind I had started thinking like could I be the person that a baby would deserve to have as a mom like could I and because a lot of things had changed in a short amount of time but I was like that would be a really big change because a baby should not I should not have a baby and So eventually I decided that I was going to consider not having an abortion so I went back to the Pregnancy Care Center and I talked to little old Betty Who probably was like oh God it's her kid she's gonna cuss me out right I was like there Betty I come in peace that's awesome so she was like all right she was happy she was like yeah I'll do anything you want to do to help you want help I'll do anything and I was like I was still like thinking about it so I decided I'm just gonna do this so I was like if I'm gonna like I said if I'm go in I'm all in like if I'm gonna do something I'm GNA be the best at it which we'll just go ahead and say I was not the best mom but an attempt was made and so I'm like all right Betty okay I know this is the day you've been waiting on your whole life right so I'm in all right parenting reveals our Humanity I think more than anything else exactly yeah absolutely so I was like okay Betty I'm in and so she's I said but I need to tell you I suck as a person and I would like to not be like the crappiest mom in the world so she immediately hooked me up with some parenting videos they were on VHS nice that yes fantastic yeah so I plowed through every one of those and this Pregnancy Care Center had a system was really cool actually for every video you watched you would get mommy dollars and with your what they call Mommy dollars just like little fake little money printed out you could go to their Boutique and this Boutique was not just like looking like the Goodwill it was really nice and it was a lot of stuff that had been donated you could buy diapers every essential thing that you could want to have a baby and need you could buy in there like everything so I was like all right okay I could do that I'll just go and I'll save up my mommy dollars and I'll stock up on diapers that way I know I'll have some and I'll do that well I went through all the videos and I told Betty like hey I finished all of them is there any more videos like other than those that I could watch for more Mommy dollars and she said no there's no more videos but we have a Tuesday night bible study and it's just like dinner beforehand and then Bible study and it's three mommy dollars and I was like three mommy dolls amen I'll be and a meal and AAL yeah I'm there so I went and the lady who ran the Bible study her name was Michelle she's still so special to me and so important to me and Michelle did a Bible study every single Tuesday night but when Michelle did her Bible study I was really confused because there were suddenly so many other things in the Bible than I had ever heard growing up like I was just like that's cute but I don't know if that's really true because I have already read the Bible so many times by this point and I was like I don't remember being like this and but every week it didn't matter what we read somehow she would show us how it was about God's love and I was like well she must be in a cult imagine thinking that's the cult yeah right yeah that's awesome I was like what heart bless her heart she really believes this and so every week after Bible study I'd hang out afterwards and I'd be like all right Michelle let's just see and I would tell her it was like confession like she was my priest or something I was like well let me just tell you something about this and so I would tell her something horrible I'd done it happened every week and she would again tell me Amber God loves you so much he's never going to stop loving you he's never stop pursuing you there's nothing you could do that would make God stop loving you there's never been a point in your life when God didn't love you and she would just every week she would tell me that and I would just be like and she didn't know it all she didn't know everything about me and I thought maybe if I she knew everything she would tell me nope that's you crossed a line there and so I would just like hold back so I went to these Bible studies my entire pregnancy and when I gave birth to my son he's 17 now by the way him Joseph he is a he's a miracle he's a walking miracle I he changed my whole life no child should have to do that but he did he changed my whole life so three days after I gave birth I was sitting in the hospital bed and I was filling out the baby book you write in it all the little stuff and I got to the page and it was about the father and I was like this sucks I just remember thinking like I have really made a huge mess and I have screwed over everybody nobody wants anything to do I don't blame them for not trusting me like I have freaking screwed up my whole life I was off drugs by then not easily and not with any confidence but I was off drugs and I just remember sitting there and I was just like my life sucks this really sucks I love this little baby but I don't know how I'm going to even give him a good life and I don't really know that I had any language for this and maybe I still don't know but like I just felt like God all of a sudden his presence was just really heavily tangible like God stepped in the room that's what it felt like and so I just talked out loud and I was like God I don't really know how you could possibly love me after all this and I had this Flash in my mind it was like a flashback I guess you could say or whatever but all of a sudden I just remember the worst day that thing that I had never told Michelle I did the worst thing ever and it was during that week that binge long week my rock bottom and it was horrible and I'm so ashamed of it and I remember seeing that and I was like oh gross and I was like God why would you show me this and he said I Loved You Then H I was just gutted I think I cried until snot was just pouring down and I was just like if God loved me then and he loves me now and it was like I was just done I was obsessed I was in love with God and I wrote I turned to the back page of my baby book and I wrote a letter two letters actually I wrote one to God and one to my son and I didn't have it was not some formal altar call but I was just like it probably has bad words in it was just like God I don't know what the hell I'm doing but I'm doing something and you better step in and help me because I'm going to make a whole mess of this and if you want me I'm here all the mess and all and it was I was over because I was in love with Jesus that was it for me wow that's so powerful and what a testimony and just so much there even just you're talking about the love of that Pregnancy Center just to equip and resource and I think a lot of times and I know this can be a whole another conversation but a lot of times the church talks about abortion and all of that and it's like man that's the best way to combat it it's just by resourcing people and loving people and not assuming that we know what people are going through and not everybody that's in that position is evil and all that stuff it's like life happens circumstances happen and showing people love I've been reading a book on reframing Foster Care and Ashley and I are active in the foster care system and whatnot and a lot of his stuff is like okay it's like by the time they get to the system we've already missed the mark like we need to rewind and go back and try to intervene in these moments as the church prior to them getting to the system it's it's not just dealing with the fruit it's dealing with the root causes of these things that is really our responsibility as followers of Christ and that's that's almost what happened to you Betty you a little old lady just loving you and loving you through and showing you a side of the Lord that you had never seen before and man that is so profound so your personal testimony and what you've walked through how has that Amber influence or shape the way that you view addiction now 16 17 18 years removed from it right how does that impact your eyes and how you see those that are going through the struggle today absolutely it has definitely changed everything because I don't see them as people who were lost causes like I see them as me like that was me and like even it's really easy for us who well it's not very easy for me I think it's because I've been there only because I've been there but I think it's easy for other people to be like looking down on people like oh well the homeless people who are asking for money and you're like ah they're just going to go spend it on or all those people on the streets they're just on drugs and if they get off drugs but I don't look at them and see that I look at them and see like okay guess what most families in the US are one catastrophe away from homelessness imagine that just imagine your whole life being ripped away from you and you're on the streets and you don't have the very Necessities that you would need to even get a job like because we take that for well why don't they just get a job all right well what are they going to do on the application what are they going to put down for their phone number what are they going to put down for their address how are they going to get cleaned to go to the interview like there's a million different steps in between there and there what if they don't have a Social Security card they don't most of them don't so if you're in a position like that and you feel like you don't have any hope because my God how would you feel like that I think you'd be really pre you'd be predisposed to say yes to something that would numb your mind and make you forget for a little while so for me personally I know that the temptation would be very strong to forget and not think about it for a little while so I'm like we don't know until we've walked in their shoes and the only way that I was ever able to awaken to God's love was people who were willing to love me no matter what it's really easy for us to do Outreach and love people up to the point where they don't do what we think they need to do like Betty made sure to tell me she Saidi will love you and support you even if you do go get an abortion you can come back we can sit and talk forever you I will love you and support you and accept you no matter what that's what she told me and it was then that I realized I wasn't being manipulated she wasn't trying to manipulate me she didn't want to manipulate me she just wanted to hand me some hope that's it but until we're ready to accept people and say all right I accept you exactly where you're at you're not a project for me and I will love you with no intention of manipulating you because love doesn't manipulate anyways love says no matter what you choose I'm still going to love you and I'm still going to support you and by support like if I needed help after that she was going to help me like she was willing to help me still and I think that we have to as the church not only meet people as they are but stop trying to manipulate them they're not a project to love them is we can look at well we can look at the Bible for 1 Corinthians 13 love is patient love is kind it doesn't Envy it doesn't boast that's perfect that's a perfect example right there but we can also look at Jesus and how he met people he provided for people physical needs like hunger and food and healing their ailments he didn't only just come and help them spiritually he helped them in all kinds of other ways too so I think that's really important is just loving people with no intention of manipulating them no strings attached guess what they've already heard the religious spiels I'd heard all of them I walked out on Betty okay but the thing is that made her different was that she really was ready to love me and support me and be in my life even if I did do it she said I'll never look at you differently I'll love you still yeah there's that difference between moving from like I'm aware of an issue I'm concerned about an issue to I have empathy for an issue right it's that transitional piece like I know that there's a drug problem but when I'm just aware and I don't enter into it and feel the pain they're feeling like we're really not really helping to move the needle and you brought up a good point about the homelessness and people are not that far away from that and you think about folks coming out of rehab especially in our rural communities I live in Augusta County like no vehicle I'm not getting to work and a vehicle is a big purchase when your entire life's falling apart or I've got some criminal charges in the past and I don't have a license yet and there's no public transportation and all of those things that just compound and those are they're not impossible things to overcome but the odds are really stacked against you in those moments and so having a Betty right to walk with us and whoever that might be to help us through those little things those little basic needs that people just have to get back on their feet is so key and such a great opportunity for us to church folks to just show the love of God like even if you're not willing to receive my preaching yet I'm still going to love you well what you just said is important because you said you were talking about all the little things and I think all of us at least can relate with this I think all of us have had a point in our life where you were just like I'm trying to accomplish this thing and then one little things goes wrong well then another little things goes wrong and then another little thing and you're like let's throw it all away I'm done I can't do this anymore any more I've washed my hands of stuff because I was like what today's not the day but imagine it being something so much more higher Stakes like a job or because that's your livelihood and you've already you mention people coming out of rehab or even sometimes people coming out of jail who are being reh rehabilitated into society it's like I've already been digging myself out of a ditch okay I've already been doing that and then every single time I get up on my feet I get knocked right back down again and that's how it feels it's like I'm never going to be able to do this so that support system is really huge and they're not always gonna their journey is not going to be linear they're not just going to be like every day I progressively get better no they're going to have days where it sucks and they quit their job and they lie to you and they're going to feel like going back into Egypt or what I'm saying like figuratively they're going to feel like going back and somebody told me this one time and it is freaking stuck with me forever I don't even remember who said it but life we want life to be like a March there's a drum beat it's very consistent there's a step you're going forward March it's uniform it looks really safe and predictable but life is not like a March progress goals working towards something getting sober it's not like a March it's more like a waltz you're spinning around you're going backwards sometimes then you're going forward and if you are doing a Walt but you really expected a March you are going to assume that you are a failure because you're not going in the right direction and you feel I'm spinning around I'm dipping there's all these things that happen with a Walts that you're not going to see with a March is very controlled and orderly and measurable and consistent Walt is not it's surrender it's letting God lead us it's leaning in and just letting someone else sometimes I me I guess it depends on which partner you are in the dance but letting someone else take the lead being willing to be dipped and spun and all those things but Walt is really freaking scary when you're expecting to be marching forward but growth it doesn't happen that way and we as people who are supporting somebody if you're supporting somebody who's getting sober you might have the same thought like they should be progressing it should be like a March should be consistent growth and if you're expecting that type of consistent predictable growth and you see them flounder backwards you're like ah look at them they're just throwing their life away again that's never going to happen pointless throw away and you don't want anything to do with it which I know there's a time and a place to protect your own self with that when you're you when you're helping somebody but I'm saying as far as like extending unconditional love to that person and then you think well my heart's already been hurt by them because they're lying and then they're trying to throw their life away and it's hard to watch but they're not in a March yeah they're yeah that's really good yeah we talked about in church yesterday on the man the paralytic that the four friends took to Jesus and the interesting part of that is these guys that carried this dude and duck through the roof and dropped him down to Jesus when he met Jesus like Jesus didn't even give the guy a chance to respond he just looked at him and told him his sins were forgiven right and that like really messes with our theology I think at times because there was no deathbed confession there was no spitting out all the sins Jesus just looked at him and said hey I your sins are forgiven son then he healed him but like being those friends that are willing no matter the cost to do what it takes to get people to Jesus and I think that's the mindset here it's like we want the confession sometimes we want tell me your whole life story share all your dear darkest secrets with me prove that you're right yeah break down cry in front of me that's right instead of just saying hey I'm gonna do the work and I'm going to get you to the Lord it's just it's interesting I think that's part of like that love and grace so off flat a little bit we talked about you've been digging into now addiction does cause like right we a long time changing of thinking what I'm saying some of the patterns the neural patterns in the brain and all that jazz and I'm I am not an expert on this stuff I've read a little bit about it but some of the whole rewiring of the brain right and the reframing of our thoughts and our minds and all of that and this issue of not issue but this topic of neuroplasticity which is fascinating if any of our listeners have not not read it just do a quick Google search heard about neuroplasticity but what at this point in your life you said you've been digging into that a little bit what got you down that road of just studying this a little bit for personal growth just asking questions as you said earlier and yeah do you want to dive into that a little bit Yeah so what initially got me interested was trauma and some people may not know this but trauma actually damages your brain you can see trauma on the brain scans of someone who has PTSD most people who are were addicts or are addicts they have some form of trauma they didn't just get there like hey I just was like Hey one day I like to do drugs I just thought it would be fun it was a good time sure I'm sure some people just didn't really think of it as harmless but a lot most people who got there there was some a trauma there's been traumatic events in their life so I was diagnosed with PTSD and I was like I don't want to be this way forever like I want to heal I want to recover from this and I had already been off of any type of drugs for a long time but I had so many ways that were of thinking that were very addictive and obsessive I've unfortunately I've I joke well I make jokes about stuff that are really serious because sometimes it's like the way I cope with it and so I would be I've jokingly said I can make addiction out of anything right yeah 100% I think we all can yes I can make an addiction out of that right yeah 100% so I was like I wanna I gotta figure this out and I need to get some more information like and one day I was actually reading a book that had nothing to do with trauma or any of that it was actually about study habits and about how to it was approaching like some ADHD type of stuff like how to retain memory how to study when you have ADHD which I do so I was like reading this book and I this example about neuroplasticity and she was saying that the brain even though trauma and other things can damage the brain and even though the ADHD brain looks different like you can see the differences on a brain scan we can rewire our brains we can and it's called neuroplasticity and we can change the neurop pathways of the way we think and I'm going to give you an example of this because when anybody who has been an addict or is recovering they know what it feels like to not want to do something and do it anyways and then not want to do it and then do it again and then not want to do it and do it again and you hate yourself for it you end up beating yourself up for it but there's a reason why you keep doing that same thing over and over again because you have a pathway a neural pathway that is chosen that path because it's a habit because it's easy and it's the same thing you've ever done and it's all you ever remember and so the best way example I can give for neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain is this if you and I were walking down a trail a pathway in the woods and we were just walking along this path and it's already many people have walked this Trail before us so it's well worn we can see it really clearly it's not grass it's mud or dirt that's hardened and we can see it very clearly but what if one day I was like I don't want to walk this path anymore I want to walk that way and it's just woods and you look over there and you're like well honey that's all like great fine and good but those are woods and you'd have to get like one of those little Choppers and you'd have to clear off the underg growth and you'd have to like you would really have to work like we might walk that trail one day and I would squish down some of the grass and that first day that I walked it somebody might could look at it and be like hm has somebody been through those brush over there but you wouldn't really be able to tell but what if the next day on that same walk I said I don't want to walk this Trail anymore I don't walk that one and I do it again I go the same way again well then somebody might see it and be like no definitely somebody has been down that trail but what if I consistently pick that same Trail over and over again every day it's going to become more worn and eventually let's say everybody stopped going down the main trail and they began to follow my same path eventually the main trail would become grown up and look like the woods and then my trail would become beaten down and clear and you could see the wear of it you can see that it's been perpetually used well it's that same way when we're creating new neurop Pathways when we're rewiring our brain it's very hard at first it's very hard the second day it's very hard the third day it's very hard for a while but the thing is that when and this can go for Breaking Habits as well you could apply this to pretty much anything when you're trying to create a healthier pattern for yourself and that can mean that can look like a whole lot of different things besides not using drugs it can look like a lot of things but we this actually does heal our brain over time and is like one aspect of a lot of information that there is out there but this for me was a Monumental like life Cher just that analogy right there of like if I could see it made it real it made it feel more real like I just did something that I've never done before I chose a path I've never chosen before and because I chose it today I could choose it again I did it once already it's like whenever world records are broken for the Olympics and then suddenly everybody can hit it because it's been done before you've seen it you believe it can be done and when I've seen myself do something when I looked at it from that perspective of I've already walked this path before I can walk it again one more time just one more time and every day I would tell myself that just one more if you could do it one more day you're going to be feeling better about it and some sometimes I didn't but guess what I eventually made an entire habit of it and that's why now if like somebody who knew me back in 20 years ago 20 yeah 20ish years ago knew me today they'd be like are you serious like they would be like that's insane because it's an entirely different life because one pathway at a time I chose a different path and walked that path instead and so that's how neuroplasticity works and we can do that with our thought patterns like I've always thought that I'm a piece of crap I've always thought that I'm a piece of crap but one day I chose to think I'm worthy and loved by God because God chose me like I'm loved by God and so those that same principle can apply to so many different things even to your point earlier Betty telling you over and over right and going back constantly and the role that she was playing and shaping your thoughts you shared your story earlier it's like every time I went back I would tell her some other terrible thing that I've Done Right and over time it's just like those thought patterns and I think sometime and I know it's gotten better in 2023 sometimes we start talking about scientific stuff and psychology and all this Jazz like your church folks like it's just the word just get to the word and this stuff and it's like man I love Carolyn Leaf I've read some of her stuff on this and this stuff is rooted in the Bible Romans 12:2 do not be conformed to the patterns of the world but transformed by the Renewing Your Mind the word repent in the Greek is metan NOA it means to change your mind yeah we want it to mean weep and whail in front of me right but they don't have anything to prove to us metan NOA or Repent Jesus was saying change your mind when he told people to repent we look at it like he told them to go repent he told them to change their mind he's asking them to adopt a new way of thinking and the new way of thinking is actually Grace it's not works based it means you don't have to do anything to earn this yeah it's it's engaging the brain I think that's the part where we don't realize like sometimes and I Rob and I my co-host who was an oning the day but him and I talk about this a lot where I think a lot of times well- meeting family members are like just quit but like as you were sharing earlier these Pathways have become well worn and this is the new normal this is the new path that I'm walking on and that process of transitioning like and we believe in the Supernatural we believe God can come in and do do whatever he wants in a moment but until we're ready to change our minds consistently and start to do the work of building those new Pathways like we end up staying on the things that are comfortable for us and for those who are watching I would encourage like you just if you've never heard of neuroplasticity before you've never went down this Rabbit Hole DR leaf has a book called switch on your brain she's got a couple others but I'll drop the links to those in the description and the comments below so is there any ways that you've applied this or you're applying this whole idea of neuroplasticity this having this Revelation knowledge right this knowledge of this now like in your life today and on you mentioned ADHD I identify with that so and I know that's a process like constantly like the executive function and trying to yeah keep details and long-term memory like I know if I don't write things down like I'm gonna forget it's just gone and it's like you tell me your name happen yeah it's like friend if you tell me your name when I meet you send me a friend request on Facebook so that I have the visual reminder because if you tell me I'm going to call you the wrong name the next time I see you or pretend like I never even met you and that's what it feels like but have you had any like any application of this today yes there's a few examples that are really sticking out of my head number one was how I viewed my own self like how God sees me versus how I saw myself as a result of we're influenced by the world and culture and even sometimes religion that is like yucky not true stuff but it sticks no matter what like we have to earn our Salvation or that we're dirty rotten scumbags who I'm lucky God would even look at me yet he created us in His image and he calls us beloved so those are the types of things I would renew my mind with and those were really that was really huge help to me but the one that is more like tangible in the natural is yelling at my kids I that was huge for me and I didn't have like some really great examples of like good conflict resolution when I was a kid and so as an adult I just like went into auto mode and just like started reproducing some of the same stuff that I had seen and eventually when I said all my son acting out in some of the ways that I had I was just like oh my word I've got to change now I don't get to cut back like I have to change drastically now because they're watching me and I'm creating little people who are going to do the same thing that I did and I have to change it now because the regrets that I have in my life they're going to have an theirs if I don't help them change their choices now and so I did I found a lot of tricks that would help me along the way U because I would just like scream and holler and we would escalate to where everybody was yelling and somebody has to yell louder than the other and what do you think that's going to escalate to it's going to escalate to somebody throwing something and then like I don't want all this chaos in my home and so one of the things that I would do is as a check to myself when I got I realized we were all yelling I would bring my voice down really low and I would say anybody who's talking Louder Than Me is getting too loud we're going to go all the way back down and we're going to calm and whatever you wanted to say whatever you wanted to scream at me you're going to say it really calm instead and if you are yelling you're not a part of this conversation anymore we're not going to talk about it so that was one thing that held me accountable because I had to and this is a h this is leadership 101 you are the bar you are the one who is setting the tone and if th those who are following you those who you're leading my children if they have a problem I have a problem and we're going to deal with that in me because you saw that somewhere and sure they're going to pick up things here there and otherwise but as a result as a rule general rule of thumb if they got a problem I got a problem and I need to find it in me and fix it and we need to address it in them and say listen mama had a problem I realized it and we're dealing with this and we're all gonna choose better together but every single time we had an argument I had a choice and we had a choice and so I would not always get it right and sometimes I would catch myself in the middle of it I'd like and I would be like I hate the sound of your voice in my head I'd be like do you hear yourself and then I would say hold on guys I'm sorry I was yelling and I'm not going to yell anymore but I need us all to not yell and catch myself in the middle of it that counts it's okay it's grow still yeah it's so good we started doing a thing with our six-year-old now where you do the sticker charts when you reward good behavior and whatnot and so Ashley saw this thing online where a mom had printed out sticker charts for everybody in the home and so our six-year-old is very she's very reactionary like she's she gets a quick temper she goes off very fast and whatnot and storms away and so what we've started doing now is when we don't react to her storm away we're giving ourselves stickers and we're making it big deal out of it in front of her because we're trying to model the behavior that we want her to see you want her to duplicate it's been fun because Ashley and I are making a big deal of it like hey you got a sticker high five and it's been fun to see it we're very new into it so we'll see how it turns out but but yeah so well Amber I appreciate like you jumping on and I try to keep the calls to an hour because I but maybe take a minute and just let the audience know how they can find you online what you're doing now and where if they want to connect with you and learn more about the work that you're doing I know you've got a couple pages that you manage and you've written some books and all that stuff and so maybe just take a second and self-promote for a minute if well so if you're looking for me on social media you can find me everywhere is Amber picoto like I'm in the k kisss keep it simple stupid method like it's just Amber pakota you don't remember anything extra so I'm on Instagram and Facebook book and I have a book called God's feminist movement and it is a book that empowers women to lead and use their gifts and their talents within God's kingdom and within the body of Christ so that is that was definitely a labor of love and that's available on Amazon and Barnes of Nobles and all kinds of weird places because that's people send me pictures and I'm like oh okay there's me right there in that place that I never knew about this is fun so that's available I'm working on another book but it's it's a labor of love and pain no I'm just kidding it's about trauma and healing from trauma so it will be a good book but it's one of those things you feel all the words that you put into it yeah I'm in the process of trying to write my story My Testimony got a title and got all that down but I think now 18 years later I'm realizing how intentional I was at trying to forget everything like and now it's like I'm praying and asking the Holy Spirit bring those stories back up and so one final question as we close out Amber if you could I've got back here I don't know if you can see it I've got a Lego DeLorean Back to the Future is one of my favorite movies series and so I've got this Lego DeLorean and if Amber could hop at a DeLorean that worked and travel back in time to getting ready to walk into that Pregnancy Center and going through everything that you were going through back then Amber today having all the knowledge she has 20 years 8 16 17 years later right what would Amber today tell Amber from back then going into that Pregnancy Center well as a joke I usually tell people I would save my breath that girl didn't listen to anything that's good yeah that is a joke but also I think I would have reiterated I would have just said let me go do something else with my time waste my breath with this stubborn girl no but in reality I would probably reiterate some of the stuff that Michelle at the Pregnancy Care Center told me I would probably because I would think like if I could have got that message sooner that God loves you no matter what like you're right bottom this worst day ever that day that you think nobody would want to believe God loved you still that's the day on that day God still loved you and if God can love you on that day God can love you on any day I think I would have reiterated what Michelle said is that everything you've been taught about religion is not necessarily the heart of God like God is nothing like that old dude you've been learning about at church right yeah he's not a mean kid with a magnifying glass right waiting for the sun to reflect right so he can burn us up yeah he's a loving father who's like hey you're messing up come here come on I got you come home that's so good well thanks Amber I really appreciate it thank you for taking the time to chat and coming on the show and I'm excited to share the story and for those that have been watching I'll put all the Amber's links down in the description below you guys can connect with her learn more about her and thank you again for jumping on another episode of rebuilding life thanks jus