Ben Fuller Testimony: Addiction, Recovery, and Finding God in Nashville

Growing Up on a Vermont Dairy Farm

Justin: Well Ben, I'm excited man to have this conversation. It's fun to be able to sit down and have conversations with people, especially folks that have similar backgrounds and similar stories. We were riding through town earlier and you were talking about some of your upbringing, coming up in Vermont on a dairy farm. How did the dairy farm shape who you became as a person, and when did music start to become a part of your life?

Ben: Yeah, growing up in Vermont was beautiful. Vermont is a lot like Virginia — it's mountainous and cold and beautiful. But Vermont is 2% Christian, and maybe four now. I never got brought to church. That was just the thing — my parents didn't go to church, and so if you don't know, you don't go.

I grew up with lots of hard work. I was the only son. My sister did dance and gymnastics — just one sibling. So I was just forced to be at my father's side all the time. I constantly was trying to prove myself and show that I could do it, that I could complete the job, that I could work, that I could be his son. Being a dairy farmer's son is no small task.

I think all I wanted to do was just know that he loved me. And I think that's what I missed most as a kid growing up — not hearing "I love you." That was just a hard thing for me.

Justin: So was it that when you were doing the task and getting it done, it was never quite good enough? There wasn't any approval there when you would complete things?

Ben: Yeah, the work ethic was there. I could outwork all my buddies. I was captain of the football team. I had all these things going for me on the outside. I'd get done throwing hay bales and then go to practice, and that just became this rinse and repeat thing. But on the inside I was completely broken, completely empty, and lacking a lot of stuff. I didn't know that hole in my heart was something that only God could fill.

Generations of Hurt and the Search for Approval

Justin: You talk about the hurt and the approval and some of those struggles, and you use a phrase — "generations of hurt." Can you describe that? Right now you're talking about the dynamic between you and Dad, but when you say generations, what do you mean by that?

Ben: Yeah, it's like grandpa passed down to Dad, passed down to me. But we didn't know any different. Nobody knew any different. What somebody learns, they just pass that down and hand that down again — until something has changed, until something is interrupted.

Now my life has been interrupted by Jesus. So all of a sudden I'm able to take that and turn around. I'm almost taking what I've been handed down, realizing that I have Christ, and now I can hand that back to my dad. I'm able to show my father this love and say "I love you." And actually, I've heard "I love you" from my dad's lips, which is amazing.

He watches and listens to podcasts like this. He listens to Big Daddy Weave and Zach Williams. He's listening because he's like, "Oh, my son is now on Christian radio — I might hear him on there." And I'm proud of him. It's been really beautiful. Honestly, my relationship with my dad has become so special now, to watch what the Lord has restored — all the locust years of my life.

When Music Became More Than an Escape

Justin: So coming from a family that didn't talk about Jesus, generations of that in a very secular community — you're on the radio now, you've got some popular songs, you're pretty well known in the Christian music space. Where did music get introduced into your life? Is that recent or was that something from a young age?

Ben: It was something from a young age. I used to sing to pass the time. I used to sing honestly when I was just so tired of work, when I didn't feel like working. Then come to find out, doing all this research on music and realizing how powerful music is — how it can take you from a place and bring you to another place.

That's why Negro spirituals have hit me so hard, how slaves used to sing these songs to take them out of the hurt, the pain. And now all of a sudden I realize the times that I didn't want to be doing the things I was doing — I was connecting with God. I was actually singing in some of those moments, and I had no idea.

Now that I've been saved, I can look back and go, "Oh my goodness, you were there the whole time. You were there from the beginning." You already knew that I'd go through all these struggles and trials so that ultimately I would praise you and give you all the glory and honor. You were the only one that came in once I figured out Jesus was more than a swear word in my mouth — that he was actually a savior. My savior.

When Addiction Took Over

Justin: Where did that disorder of your worship start? You're into music, you're singing to pull yourself out of this pain, but when did the enemy start to introduce the substances and start to shift your worship to something destructive?

Ben: That was between 16 and 18 years old. I attempted suicide and realized I was just too scared to pull the trigger. I saw the flash of the funeral line, the flash of friends and family, and I was like, "Man, I'm not ready. I can't do this."

Then getting introduced not long after to cocaine, alcohol, and sex — all the things that come along with it. I just began to escape. I began to disappear in plain sight, and it was so easy to do that.

Losing His Best Friend Ryan

Ben: Then once I found some buddies that loved cocaine also — my best friend Ryan. He's dead. December 16th, 2017, he's no longer here. Him and I used for 10 years. And why am I still here? Why is he dead? Why did he overdose and not me? We were doing the same drugs. I could have easily snorted or shot up or whatever, and it was him.

I realized that God had other plans for me. But in that moment, I also didn't understand. For 14 and a half years, my addiction carried on. I still couldn't stop it on my own. That's why when I meet so many people that are like, "Yeah, I'm sober now and I'm doing it on my own" — it's like, well, good luck. I don't believe in luck, but good luck. Because you ain't going to do it for much longer. You're going to run out. I don't care how strong you are, how tough you are — if you don't have a savior, if you don't have Jesus...

Justin: With his passing, was that a catalyst for change? Or did you escape further and go deeper before you started to realize that there was something different for your life?

Ben: Well, I said I'll never use again, I'll never drink again. They just killed my best friend. I'm not going to do that, I don't want to touch that stuff again. That hit home.

Two months later, I'm drinking 20 beers a night again. It wears off. It's like, "Well, he's gone, but that was a couple months ago now." And time heals things and gets you over. Then you realize, "Well, maybe I'll be fine if I just have a couple. Maybe I'll be fine if I do a little cocaine." Keep sleeping around, keep doing the things I was doing. All of a sudden you slip back into that same old rut.

The Still Small Voice That Led to Nashville

Ben: But I also took that addiction 1,250 miles all the way down to Nashville, Tennessee. In the fall of 2018, I decided to move — one year after Ryan passed. I was landscaping, building stone walls, digging holes and planting trees. I was good at it, but I felt this calling inside for something more. I didn't know what it was. But I've always loved music, and so the music started rising up again — this time to go to Nashville.

Justin: How do you describe that to somebody who's hearing an inner voice? For an addict that's trapped — how do I know if this is the voice of God? How did you discern that?

Ben: The Bible talks about the still small voice, and it really was still and small. It was so calm but convicting — like, "I've got to go. I need to go." And everybody listening knows that point of, "Okay, enough is enough. You need to stop." Because let's face it, the drugs are never going to be enough. They write songs about it. We've both been there — it's never enough.

My dad always used to say, which has always stuck with me, "Budweiser is going to keep making beer, Ben." And now I sit back after I'm out of addiction going, "Oh my goodness, yeah they will." They're going to keep feeding me. The drugs are going to keep coming.

The Davenport Family and the Church That Changed Everything

Ben: God sent a family from Vermont a year before I got there — the Davenport family. I barely knew them. I'd landscaped with their son. They called me one fall day in 2019, got my number, and said, "Ben Fuller, will you come for dinner?" I said yeah — I'm hungry, I love food.

At the end of this meal, they asked me, "Will you come to church with us?" It was a Saturday night. They loved me just the way that I was, just the way that Jesus does. They didn't judge anything — my language, my beers. I remember drinking beers over there. I couldn't be myself without alcohol.

I went to Church of the City in Franklin, Tennessee that next morning. I walked in there and I heard the music. Again, here comes the music — so powerful, rose up inside of me. I just ran into the auditorium and stood there in the aisle. I felt like my feet came off the ground.

As a man who'd been living his life as a secret drug addict, hiding in plain sight — I'd never been higher. And I'm like, "This is what I want. This is what I need." I had no idea what it looked like or sounded like, but I wanted this.

In that moment, Romans 10:9 says, "Believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord, and if you believe that God raised him from the dead, you'll be saved." I cried out. I said, "Jesus, help me. I need your help. I don't even know who you are. I don't even know what this is right now." But I surrendered. I said I'm done running.

Life After the Altar Call — The Loneliness Nobody Talks About

Justin: What a phenomenal description. So fast forward to the end of the service — you've had this encounter with Jesus. What happened next? What did the next day look like?

Ben: Oh, you mean after the target been painted on my back? I walked out and — honestly, no one talks about this either — I was probably lonelier than I'd ever been in a really long time after I gave my life to Jesus. It was lonely.

All my friends — bye. "What are you doing, Ben? What, are you brainwashed? Jesus? What is this worship? What are you, God?" People were freaked out. I've still got lots of friends that I haven't heard from, don't talk to anymore. Gone away. I don't know why. I love them still. It's just that God had other plans, and I couldn't continue down the path that I was on.

But I'm grateful for the Davenport family — they wouldn't leave me alone. They kept inviting me back, kept inviting me over. Then more people started reaching out. I became public about it. I said, "I don't even care — I'm going to profess my faith out loud."

I got baptized November 10th, 2019, and I posted it online. I had all these people start coming out. And who was there at my baptism with a towel? My best friend Paul. He landscaped with me for most of my life, and I had no idea that he was secretly praying for me — every day. I would tell him things, show up hungover, and he was there to wrap me with a towel and say, "Welcome to the family. I've been praying for you your whole life."

He said, "I thought you were hopeless. I thought my prayers were never going to be answered." What a testimony of faith for him.

Prison Ministry and What God Is Doing Behind Bars

Justin: You do some work in prison ministry. How did the Lord lead your steps into the jails?

Ben: I think he led me there because honestly, I never got caught. I was the guy that never got busted. My favorite thing was drinking and driving. I have no idea how many times I would park my truck and have no idea where it was, no idea how I got home or how I didn't swerve and kill somebody. Just dents on my truck the next morning. It's insane that he was protecting me the whole time.

But I never got caught. So God caught me on the outside so that he could send me in. Now I'm inside these walls going, "What am I doing in here?" And I think he's shown me — well, these are the places that you could have been. But now you can also see that my spirit knows no boundaries, that I go in there behind those walls, behind those bars.

I have more church in prison than I do in church, to be honest with you. Those guys are sold out and they're tired. They're ready. They're humble, they're honest. We're baptizing these guys — they're falling in the water, they're like, "I want this peace, I want this love. Sign me up. I'm in."

The wardens love us. Violence is down, suicides are down, stabbings, fights, arguments — all the levels, everything is down. They're like, "Come on back anytime. Here's the key." It's just amazing to watch what God can do.

"Who Am I" — The Song That Declared His Identity

Justin: Your song "Who Am I" — 20 million streams. What does it feel like to get to that place?

Ben: He gave me that song to tell me my identity. We wrote it in under an hour. It was special and powerful. We had no idea what was going to come out of it.

On my first headline tour — the "If I Got Jesus" tour — I really felt the Holy Spirit say, "I was telling you your identity from that day forward. You're no longer a drug addict. You're no longer an alcoholic. You're no longer a womanizer. You're a child of mine, and I love you. You've turned your life around. You've come back to me, and I've got you."

To speak that over not only everybody in the crowd but myself, night after night — "I'm a child of the Most High God, and the Most High God is for me." Not "where am I going to get my next fix tomorrow?" No — I'm speaking life over myself. I think that's so important because it's so easy to get down, so easy to fall back into the ditch again. He told me my identity. That's the truth.

Going Deeper Still

Justin: You got a new song dropping at midnight tonight and a new album coming out. You want to talk about that?

Ben: "Deeper Still" — it's called that because his love goes deeper. It goes deeper still. Keep digging. In my world, I was digging for the wrong things. I had a shovel in my hand digging dirt, traveling down the wrong paths. Once I realized, "Oh, this is where I need to be digging — in the word of God" — it's amazing how it fills me up. The smallest bit of digging in his word can fill me up for the whole entire day.

Before, I was aimlessly wandering, constantly searching, constantly trying to fill up. It's like an empty bucket with a hole in the bottom — everything just sucks right back out.

Justin: Well Ben, I appreciate you taking the time to sit down and chat, man. I'm excited for the concert this evening and the worship event. This Winchester, Frederick County, Shenandoah Valley community has been ravaged with addiction — 50,000 people in our community that are battling, and that's just numbers that we can guess. Those are the people who told the truth. I'm grateful for you bringing your story and your hope to this community.

Ben: Well, you've been a blessing to me. We can assume that number is doubled, because I know who I was before Christ. Paul said apart from Christ my flesh can do no good. So we need to be praying for them to come forward and just be honest. Because what are you running from? Where are you going? What's next?

But I'm grateful. Teen Challenge is amazing. I love them. And thank you, because you make me feel less alone. You also make me feel like God can — he's done it for you, he's done it for me. I feel less alone now even talking to you. He's still working. He's still going. Because there are days that I'm struggling big time, like, "Is this even worth it? Should I even keep singing?" So tonight's going to be really special — just honored to be surrounded by a bunch of people that love Jesus more than me. Amen.