Setting Boundaries for Recovering Addicts: A Guide for Families

Your loved one just graduated from rehab. Everyone's crying tears of relief at the ceremony. You're proud. You're hopeful. You're terrified.

Now what?

How do you welcome them home without enabling them? How do you support their recovery without rescuing them from every consequence? How do you rebuild trust when the last face-to-face conversation you had was with the old them—not the new person they're becoming?

In this conversation, Justin Franich and Robert Grant tackle the questions parents are actually asking: How long should they live at home? What about curfews for adults? How do you address past damage without shaming them? And where's the line between healthy boundaries and toxic empathy?

Drawing from their experience at Teen Challenge and their own recovery journeys, they share practical wisdom that cuts through the confusion and gives you a roadmap for navigating life after treatment.

If your loved one is coming home from recovery and you're not sure how to navigate it, this is for you.

See Your Child as an Adult, Not a Child

The first shift you have to make—and it's harder than it sounds—is to stop seeing your son or daughter as a child and start seeing them as an adult.

Robert put it this way: "Almost as if they were an eagle in the nest, not realizing their ability to fly and soar and prosper in life. You kind of have to slowly but surely nudge them just a little bit and give them enough room to fail under your covering, but show the grace and mercy and point them back to the Father."

Here's what tends to happen: Parents want to deliver their child from the mess they got themselves into. They want to help. They want to fix it.

But that's not your job anymore.

Your job is to ask: "How did you get out of this? What tools and practices did you learn in the program? Let's talk about what you learned and how we can implement it together."

You're not stepping in to be their savior. Christ already did that. Through the program, they've learned principles and strategies for success in the real world. Your role is to help them apply those tools—not do it for them.

Why You Need a Written Plan (The Crisis Manual Story)

At Teen Challenge, we're required to have a crisis manual as part of accreditation.

When you're putting it together, you think: "We're in the mountains of Virginia. When is there ever going to be a tornado?" It feels unnecessary. Overly detailed. Slightly ridiculous.

But then something happens.

One time we had a fire on the mountain. Within minutes, staff were posting pictures of smoke billowing out of the building on social media. I started getting calls from panicked family members. Students were calling their parents saying, "I lost everything in the fire." (Nothing was lost in the fire, by the way.)

The problem? We didn't have a communication plan in place ahead of time.

Here's what I learned: You don't need the crisis plan when everything's fine. You need it when things go sideways.

The same principle applies to welcoming someone home from treatment.

A lot of boundaries break down because there wasn't communication about the boundary ahead of time.

You assumed they knew. They assumed you'd be more lenient. Nobody actually talked about expectations. And now you're both frustrated, hurt, and in conflict—not because anyone did something intentionally wrong, but because of a lack of communication.

Even in marriage, my wife and I still struggle with this. She'll say, "You should know my boundary by now." And I'll say, "Well, yes, I know some of them, but things change. People evolve. If there's a new expectation, let's communicate it so we don't end up in a place of offense."

So before your loved one comes home, sit down and write out a plan.

Not a vague conversation. A written plan. Communication eliminates most conflicts before they even start.

The Big Rocks: Essential Boundaries to Discuss

Think of it like packing a jar. You put the big rocks in first. Everything else fills in around them.

Here are the big rocks—the essential boundaries you need to discuss before they come home:

1. Curfew

Even for an adult living in your house, is there an expectation about when they come home? Do you want them rolling in at midnight on a Tuesday outside of work? What does that look like?

2. Employment

How long can they live at home before you expect them to get a job? A week? A month? What's reasonable given their situation?

3. Money

How are you going to handle finances? Are they paying rent? Contributing to groceries? Are you helping them rebuild their credit? What does financial responsibility look like in this season?

4. Church Attendance

If you're a Christian family and they're coming out of a Christian discipleship program, church attendance is a huge part of staying the course. What's the expectation?

But here's the key: Don't just tell them your expectations. Ask them what their expectations are from you.

Treat them like an adult. Have a two-way conversation. What's most likely going to happen is you'll meet in the middle and both agree on it.

As Scripture says: "Two cannot walk together unless they agree" (Amos 3:3). And "A house divided against itself cannot stand" (Mark 3:25).

Don't Weigh Them Down With Their Past Identity

One of the most destructive things you can do is keep bringing up their past mistakes.

You can't continue to look at them as their former self. You have to learn to see them as the new creation they are in Christ.

Robert said it this way: "Weighing over them the past and the mistakes they've done causes them to rebel even more and fall back into the same issues they had before leaving home and getting help."

Here's a boundary for parents: We're not going to bring up past issues that you've already repented of.

Why? Because it eats away at them. It tells them you don't actually believe they've changed. And when someone feels like they'll never be seen as anything other than "the addict," they often live down to that expectation.

Robert's mom always saw the good in him. "Regardless of what I went through, she would continue to remind me of who I am in Christ. I think that's why for me, part of my ministry is speaking life to the identity of the individual in Christ."

That's the power of speaking identity over your loved one instead of rehearsing their failures.

Addressing Restitution Without Shame

So how do you reconcile speaking life into someone while also addressing real damage that was done?

Maybe they stole from you. Maybe they wrecked your car. Maybe they destroyed relationships. There are real consequences. Real restitution that needs to happen.

How do you address those issues without shaming them?

Robert pointed to the story in Luke 7—the woman who was a prostitute who broke an alabaster jar of oil over Jesus' feet. The Pharisees rebuked Him because they didn't realize who she was. And Jesus said, "Whoever has been forgiven much, loves much."

Here's the principle: Recognize the grace and mercy God has shown you.

You might not have struggled with addiction, but you have your own battles. How was God merciful to you? Have you dealt with your own sin?

Then have a level-headed conversation. Express your pain. Address the hurt. But do it in the context of Matthew 18—going to your brother or sister in Christ, not attacking them as an enemy.

And here's the critical piece: It's not what you say. It's how and when you say it.

Is day one the best time to address financial restitution when they're not even employed yet? When they're dealing with the stress of adjusting to life outside of treatment?

Or do you get some stability in place first, let the relationship mature, and then address those issues when they're in a healthier place to handle it?

Timing matters more than content in difficult conversations.

Don't Pile Everything on Them at Once

Robert shared a conversation he had with a new intern at Teen Challenge who said: "Stepping into leadership is a little fearful because I don't want to be overwhelmed with a whole bunch of things. It's almost like this religious law—if you don't follow all these steps perfectly, you're going to be excommunicated."

Robert told him: "No, dude. We're going to ease you into this thing. We don't want to overwhelm you with too much."

The same applies when your loved one comes home.

Don't hand them a 10-page manual on day one. Don't pile on every expectation, every hurt, every consequence all at once.

Take it one day at a time. Tackle one thing at a time.

As Robert said: "Whether you're an addict or not, anybody that gets an influx of information all at once does not know how to handle it."

Rebuilding Trust Takes Time: The Car Keys Story

On my second day home from Teen Challenge, I asked my mom for the car keys so I could go to church.

She hesitated.

She didn't say no. But she paused. And in that pause, I could see the doubt. The fear. The memory of the old version of me—the one who stole from her, lied to her, manipulated her.

I almost got offended. I just went through a year-long program. Don't you trust me?

But then I realized something: The last face-to-face experience they had of me was with the old me.

Yes, I wanted my family to show grace and see the new me. But part of my responsibility as the individual coming back home was to actually show them the new me.

They hadn't seen it yet. They'd heard stories. They'd heard my testimony at graduation. But it's a whole different experience when you're living up close.

So I paused. I said, "Hey, I understand. I just wanted to go to church this evening." And she said, "Oh, okay. No problem. Here's the keys."

It took four to five months of consistent behavior—showing up when I said I would, being where I said I'd be, handling responsibility without excuses—before she felt comfortable handing me the keys without hesitation.

An altar call might be instantaneous. But restoring a reputation takes time.

Trust isn't given. It's earned. One day at a time.

How Long Should They Stay at Home?

I used to think: "Get them out as soon as possible. They need to prove they can make it on their own."

But I've changed my mind.

If they're working, being responsible, contributing to the household—why rush them out?

In fact, staying home longer might be one of the best relapse prevention tools you can give them.

Here's why: Financial stress is a massive relapse trigger.

If they move out too quickly and suddenly they're stressed about rent, utilities, groceries, car payments—all while trying to stay sober, find a job, and rebuild their life—that's a recipe for relapse.

But if they stay home for six months and save money? That becomes a buffer. A cushion. A safety net that reduces stress and gives them a foundation to build on.

I've had people we've offered to stay at the Teen Challenge center, go to work, and live here rent-free for six months. But they turned it down because they felt like they needed to "prove it" on their own.

And I ask them: Is proving it worth $3,000 a month in living expenses?

Do you realize how much of an opportunity you have to save money, which becomes a relapse prevention tool down the road? You're not sitting there stressing over your light bill getting cut off and thinking, Let me just go get high.

So unless there's a specific reason they need to leave (like they're married with kids and need their own space), I don't think there's a rush.

The desire to leave quickly is usually not from the family. It's from the individual trying to prove something.

And sometimes, slowing down is the wisest thing they can do.

Boundaries vs. Rules: What's the Difference?

Robert asked a great question: "How do we learn to decipher boundaries from rules?"

Because when there are too many rules, it feels like control. It makes people want to run.

But boundaries? Boundaries are protection.

Think about the Garden of Eden. God set a boundary: "Don't eat from that tree." Not because He wanted to control Adam and Eve, but because He was protecting them from death.

Boundaries aren't about controlling someone. They're about creating a safe environment where healing and growth can happen.

Here's the key: Boundaries protect. Rules control.

And the difference often comes down to communication and consistency.

I've seen this with foster care. Kids who come into our home from environments with no boundaries are in pain. They're chaotic. They're insecure.

At first, they resist the boundaries we put in place. There's pushback. There's a fight.

But as those boundaries remain consistent, you start to see the kid look forward to them. They feel safe. They know what to expect. They trust that the boundary is there for their good, not to punish them.

The same thing happens with adult children coming home from treatment.

At first, they might resist. But if the boundaries are communicated clearly, enforced consistently, and rooted in love—they'll come to appreciate them.

Being a Son Comes With Responsibility

We talk about the Prodigal Son a lot in recovery circles.

The father ran to him. Threw a party. Put the robe and ring on him. Welcomed him home with open arms.

But here's what we don't talk about: After the party, the son went to work.

The father probably didn't just let him hang out and play video games all day. He went to work on the farm. He contributed. He took responsibility.

Being a son comes with responsibility. You can't separate the two.

So yes, we establish them in the house. We make them feel loved and welcomed. But there's also a responsibility that comes with being part of the family.

Avoid Toxic Empathy

Here's the hard truth: A boundary does no good if it's not enforced.

We live in a culture right now where toxic empathy is rampant. We're handing out needles on street corners and calling it "harm reduction." We're so terrified of losing someone to an overdose that we enable their addiction in the name of "at least they're alive."

I get it. Fentanyl is killing people. Parents are terrified.

But here's the reality: You may be able to keep them from dying in the short term, but they're spiritually dead already.

So yes, we walk with them. Yes, we show grace. Yes, we give them room to fail and rebuild.

But if they rob you to buy drugs, they lose the privilege of living in your home.

That's not being harsh. That's protecting yourself and holding them accountable.

Robert and his wife set this boundary before they even got married: "If either of us ever uses drugs, we have to go through a year-long program. No exceptions."

Why? Because they're not going to allow addiction to destroy their family.

Setting boundaries isn't just about protecting them. It's about protecting yourself.

You can't get healing by trying to deliver your child from their mess. You get healing by spending time with the Father yourself.

Practical Action Steps

For Parents:

1. Write down a plan before they come home. Don't wing it. Communication eliminates most conflicts.
2. Communicate the big rocks together: Curfew, employment, money, church.
3. Ask them what their expectations are. Treat them like an adult.
4. Don't pile everything on them at once. One day at a time.
5. Give them room to rebuild trust over time. It won't happen overnight.
6. Enforce boundaries when they're crossed. No toxic empathy.

For Recovering Addicts:

1. Remember: They last saw the old you. Show them the new you through consistent actions.
2. Be patient rebuilding trust. Don't get offended when they ask questions.
3. Take responsibility for restitution. Own your past without being defined by it.
4. Consider staying home longer to save money. It's a relapse prevention tool.
5. Remember: Being a son or daughter comes with responsibility. You can't separate the two.

Final Thoughts: Communication Is Everything

If there's one takeaway from this conversation, it's this: Communication eliminates almost every problem before it starts.

Set a plan from the beginning. Write it down. Have uncomfortable conversations.

For parents: Don't fall victim to toxic empathy. Stick to your boundaries. But also give grace as they rebuild trust.

For the former addict: Trust takes time to rebuild. Be patient. Be consistent. Show them the new you.

And for both: Break bread together. Have those tough conversations around the dinner table or over coffee. Don't avoid the hard stuff.

Because at the end of the day, you're not just trying to prevent relapse. You're trying to rebuild a relationship.

And that's worth the work.

Scripture References

• "Two cannot walk together unless they agree" (Amos 3:3)
• "A house divided against itself cannot stand" (Mark 3:25)
• Matthew 18 – Taking conflicts to your brother/sister in Christ
• The Prodigal Son – Luke 15 (restoration and responsibility)
• The alabaster jar story – Luke 7 (whoever is forgiven much, loves much)